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Chapter 5

Oh my god he kissed me loving his taste but knowing he already belongs to someone. Fuck and I still to kiss him back, but he is engaged to Brittany. He comes in to kiss me again god how I would love to loss control so badly but I can't I then push him away as I bite my lip trying to prevent myself from wanting more of him.

I should be outraged right so I yell at him "How dare you! You are engaged to my best friend! I want nothing from you please just leave me alone."

I storm away not looking back. I can feel him watching me walk into my house. I shut the door and put my back against it not sure what just happened. I was never chosen over Brittany by any guy from our school. I am not putting my friendship on the line due to my attraction towards him. Why would he kiss me he must have drank to much and he will probably forget all about it in the morning I tell myself.

I become a little panicked when I hear

My mother walking down the steps and she yells, "What the hell are you doing Amelia!"

"I just got home mom. I am getting ready to go to bed."

"Don't you think it's a little too late to come home?"

"Yes, mother, I do. I was going to stay and come back in the morning, but I changed my mind."

"Instead you decided to come home and wake us up right?"

"I am sorry that I woke you up mother,  I didn't think I was being too loud." As I tell her goodnight I go to walk up the stairs. She stops me and slaps me across the face. Tears fill my eyes.

"Amelia, you need to start thinking about others, and not just yourself!"

I don't respond. I just continue to walk up the stairs wondering what I did to make her hate me so much. She has never really showed me any kind of affection growing up, and it's just getting worse as I get older. I've tried everything to please her, but it doesn't matter. Nothing makes her happy when it comes to me. My father was always my go to, but since he had his stroke my mother keeps me from him. I do get to see him on his birthday, and sometimes I sneak in when mother isn't around. I miss him so much.

My brother's were always mean to me. They blamed me for everything which got me beatings from my mother quite often. It was never when my father was around. He protected me. He would never let my mother put a finger on me. Any time he could prevent it he did. My mother blames me for my father's stroke because our house caught on fire. One time I was stuck inside, and he got me out somehow. Then he had a stroke due to all the smoke inhalation at the time. He wouldn't go to the doctor because he is so stubborn, but it left him unable to communicate with us. Mother makes sure I pay for it everyday of my life.

Sometimes I feel like I should hate her, but I can't. She is still my mother. I love her, but I hate what she does to me. She doesn't treat me like I'm her daughter. She treats me like I mean nothing to her. There really aren't any special days that she makes me feel of importance to her. She enjoys my suffering. I wonder why I stay around here dealing with all this bullshit and not just running away. I need to make sure no matter what that my father is always taken care of. I can't just leave him not knowing if he is alright. I know how much the farm and everything means to him, and that's why I work so hard to keep it afloat. To make sure that when he gets better he has something for himself.

As I toss and turn in bed I am shocked that Brittany didn't even come and find me. She didn't even bother to come with Derek to pick me up. Is she not happy to see me? Sometimes my loneliness takes over especially when I have absolutely nobody. It hurts so bad being alone all the time. Truth be told I am sort of invisible to most people, but I like it that way. I don't want people all up in my business. Being mysterious is absolutely fine with me.

I continue to day dream I become really nervous about going to work tomorrow because I need to tell Tom that he needs to stop coming on to me. That there will never be anything between us ever. That I don't see him in that way and he needs to show me some kind of respect.

God I really don't want to lose my job because my mother will kill me, but I am afraid that Tom is going to try something with me. Then it will just turn into awkwardness all the time. I have no attraction towards Tom he's like twice my age. He is really starting to make me feel uncomfortable around him. I only have to work tomorrow and then I'm off for a couple days, but thinking about having to spend eight hours with him makes my stomach hurt.

My thoughts become  everywhere, and it's making me crazy. I can't sleep, and I know that I need to go to sleep because if I get up late my mother is going to lose her shit. Then I am going to have to deal with her bitching all morning about me waking up late. I mean come on it's not like it really  matters. She's going to bitch at me every chance she gets  It's non stop, and if she's not in control of my entire life then there is an issue for her.

I just hope that now that Brittany is back, that I will be able to spend some time with her and that my mother will wait until after Brittany leaves to bitch.

I do wonder what the hell is going on with Brittany, because she was missing all night. She didn't even pick me up from work. Should I tell her about Derek kissing me, and he asking me if I wanted more. It was just fucked up. As I finally began drifting to sleep my thoughts are finally fading away as I finally fall asleep.

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