Pain of My Heart

Long nights. Cold nights. Lonely nights. Nights filled with fear, nights filled with tears. Each night bringing forth a new haunting memory. Seasons pass, winter turning to summer. The need for Deimos increases day by day. It grows, wrapping around me like vines possessing thorns, sinking deep tearing into my soul. Eventually making me bleed of need.

The less I see him, the more I crave him. I am the dry dessert and he is my rain that can quench my thirst. My rain so near yet so far from my reach. It's a painful struggle wanting to have someone so bad but they don't want the same. They prefer to keep you at a distance from the rest, blocking any sort of contact with you. But when daylight streams through your windows, the pain vanishes for a while and excitement flows through your veins.

Morning, my favourite part of the day. It's the only time I can see those eyes. His eyes. But today is going to be different, today I want something. I want him to crave me as I crave him. I nod looking at myself in the mirror. My hair wet dripping droplets of water all over my chest. A bit of red lipstick on my lips inviting for a taste and light blush on my cheeks. This will be hard, but I must do it.

Walking to the training field, wolves warming up their eyes barely open sleep drowning them. I spot Deimos, he is quite easy to find standing out with his thick muscles and height. Slowly walking over to the field making sure I am right in the middle perfect in view for every wolf, especially Deimos.

Already having the attention of wolves, Deimos looks towards me probably wondering what everyone seems to be distracted with. The stage is finally mine. Pretending I don't know what's going on around me, acting normal. I slowly pull the zip of my jacket down, revealing my sports bra I remove my jacket securing it around my hips. Pulling my hair up tying it showing my neck bare of his mark while bending down tying my shoes giving a perfect view of my assets to Deimos. His breath hitches.

I stand and begin stretching feeling every wolf's eyes on my body. The feel of one special pair of eyes burns through my skin creating a scorching trail of heat. I slowly look up towards him. His wolf peeking out through his dark eyes, jaw clenched, nose flaring and his hands releasing drops of blood to the ground due to the strength of his fingernails pressing into the palms of his fisted hand.

His strength and control amaze me. He wishes to claim me so what is he running from? What is his fear? Closing his eyes taking in a deep breath, he tries to calm down from the internal battle with his wolf and body. Looking around his anger rising, "Stop ogling at the female, wipe the drool from your damn faces and find a partner to spar with." He commands.

Wolves disperse looking for their partners. He looks towards me, walking to me in confident strides his eyes dropping to my lips and back to my eyes. "You will spar with me today, mate." He looks into my eyes. This one look holding so much power to weaken my knees.

We stare at each other, standing on top of the training mat. My hands shake, I am nervous, a new feeling. Not nervous to fight him, but to feel the sparks when our skin touch. Desperate to finally feel him, I run towards him in full force only for him to move to the side with ease walking to my previous side of the mat. His eyes never leaving mine. The supposed to be fight soon becomes a game, me trying to touch him and him trying not to touch me. Every time I reach him, he moves his body and I miss the warmth of his skin by an inch.

Trying to catch my breath chest heaving up and down, sweat dripping down my forehead. Irritation boils within me. What is wrong with this male? How can he move that fast like he already predicts my move minutes before my attack? I look up at him grinding my teeth. His lips curve slightly at the edges showing a hint of a smile. He finds this funny!

"What's wrong mate? Tired already?" He asks knowing he is the cause of this. I scoff. I will catch him this time. With a newfound determination, I run towards him my hands in front of me trying to push him to the ground. Grabbing my hands, locking them tightly across my chest with his strong forearms, pushing my back to his front. I gasp from the force and speed of the movement.

Thrusting his hips into me, his breath skimming the shell of my ears making my body shiver from the feel of his length and the warmth of his breath.

One of his hands on my hip, the other locking my arms in front of my chest, he whispers to me. "You put on quite the show before, mate."

"Did you like it?" I ask him, my voice showing a hint of nervousness.

"Do you prefer the old ways mate? Did you want me to take you on your knees in front of everyone?" His question taking me off-guard.

"I j-just wanted to..." I begin to stutter not knowing what to answer him, my thoughts are jumbled I can't find what to say to him.

"Do not do that again, I won't think twice next time. I'll just prove to my wolves whom you belong to, the way I see fit perhaps with you screaming my name." He stops, I look over my shoulder to see him scanning down my body and licking his lips.

With that, he walks back to the packhouse leaving me a panting mess on the ground. He has the power to leave me breathless with just a few words, when will I ever have that effect on him.

Walking to the lounge area outside the packhouse I spend time with my females talking about our new experiences in the pack. The chatter turns to laughter and my mind slowly drifts away from Deimos consumed by the stories and jokes my females tell. It feels peaceful, I like it. But my peace lasts only for a while and is interrupted by a loud cry of desperation.

Our ears perk up, wolves begin gathering around to see what's going on. My legs take me to the source only to find a female on the ground protecting a bloodied male behind her. Tears streaming down her cheeks, face flushed while the male behind her struggles to breathe. She huddles closer to him protecting him holding his face to her chest.

"You dare rescue him from questioning without my permission? Do you dare disobey your Alpha? Do you not know who he is, what he has done to this pack? Move or you will be punished." Deimos's voice is calm but I know he is trying to control his anger.

"Please Alpha, he is my male." She looks up at Deimos, her voice brimming with fear but her eyes hold strength. She will protect her male with her life.

"You have dishonoured your Alpha. Ragon, give her the punishment that is fit for her crime." He looks towards Ragon, while the male on the ground tries to reach his female with his bloodied hands shaking his head trying to tell her to let him go. I understand them, their pain is my life. I live it every day.

My feet take me in front of them. I don't think twice. "I will take the punishment in her place and she and her mate will be left alone" My chin raised, back straight. I look right at Deimos. He closes his eyes taking a deep breath in and looks back at me. I gasp, my eyes widening. He knew. He knew I would do this, take her punishment.

An eerie silence overtakes the field not a single sound is made. Ragon is the first to break it. He bows on one knee. "Luna, I cannot."

"Ragon, you are the Beta of this pack. Now act like it." My tone hard, my voice unwavering. He gets up standing straight to my command.

"Yes, Luna." He replies, his hand clenches. He will do this against his will.

Deimos still hasn't said a word, he only looks at me with those calculating eyes of his. He is observing me. Can he see my hands shaking? Can he hear the pound of my heart? Can he see the anxiety behind my eyes that portray strength?

"Then so be it." Deimos's voice booms across the field. His word is final. I can't back out now. I am stripped of my shirt and my wrists are tied to a wooden pole. I shiver, this is going to be hard. I plead with my wolf for her strength through this.

"You will receive 20 strikes for the crime committed by Rosewood who went against her Alpha," Ragon speaks taking the whip in his hands. My females are crying and Deimos has his hands fisted, doing his best to reign in his wolf trying to lash out and protect his mate.

"Forgive me, Luna," Ragon whispers before I feel the first strike of the whip on my back. I feel my flesh tearing to the strength of the whip against my skin and weeping blood all over my back. I keep my eyes on Deimos, my source of strength. His body swaying, flinching to every strike, every scream coming from my mouth.

I stopped counting at eight, my throat is sore from screaming, tears are gushing down, blood all over me. I feel dizzy. My body sways back and forth, I fall to the ground. Everything is hazy, I struggle to breathe. Someone is touching me, the touch soothes my pain. I open my eyes one last time with all the energy I have left. Deimos's kneels above me holding me to his chest fangs elongating, he's snarling and growling his anger stopping anyone from touching me.

I feel my body being lifted off the ground. I know it's Deimos from the sparks. Feeling the front of my body being placed on the soft bed. "Sleep." Deimos whispers and I heed to him closing my eyes sleep consuming me.

I don't know what time it is but my eyes flutter open. Looking around the room, I see Deimos sitting on a chair across my bed, legs crossed, elbows on his thighs chin resting on his steepled hands. He keeps looking at me, not saying a word. I stare back at him, it's a comfortable silence. He slowly strides towards me, sitting at the edge of my bed, we still look at each other. I start the conversation, wanting to hear his voice.

"How did you know I would take her place?" I question him, trying my best to sit up. My back is slowly healing, the wound is medicated and bandaged.

He tilts his head to the side. "I observe you. I know your mind, I understand how your body acts without the need of command from your mind." I am surprised, how can he know this without even knowing me properly. Even Elriam took time to understand this. Yet this male of mine found it quite easy to do so.

"You see mate, I see beneath your walls. I can see every shake of your hands, every quiver of your lips, every sway of your body. You cannot hide from me." I fist my hands underneath the covers. "I felt your fear today, but you still stood your ground. Why? Why protect someone you don't even know?" His whisper slowly caressing my skin, his tone soft making me want to sink deeper into his warmth.

"It's just how I am, I can't stop myself. If I wish they deserve my protection, I will protect them with my life." He reaches forward, skimming his fingertips across my cheeks. I close my eyes, relishing in the sparks it brings. He brings his thumb to rest on my lower lip slowly swiping it downwards. I open my eyes, lust taking over my body. He looks into my eyes leaning forward.

"You intrigue me, mate," Deimos whispers to me.

"You intrigue me, Deimos," I whisper back to him.

Resting his forehead on mine, taking a deep breath, breathing in my scent. I do the same knowing I might never get another opportunity like this. He slowly moves back, my fingers itching to bring him back to me.

"Do not do that again, mate. You can't protect everyone. It's a cruel world, protect yourself first." His advice sticking to me like glue.

"And what if I can't protect myself Deimos? Then what?" I am curious to know his answer. Will he assign me, personal warriors? Will, he put Ragon in charge of me? Will he...

"I am completely sure you are capable of protecting yourself. But if you cannot do so... I'll protect you, mate." My eyes widen at his answer, I did not expect that. You can expect that from your mate but not Deimos. He surprised me. Hope rises within me, maybe this can happen. Maybe we can happen.

"You at least deserve this, for..." He stops, looking straight into my eyes. "For, I cannot give you any more." His words completely crushing the small seed of hope I wanted to grow. My lips wobble, looking away from him, towards the window in my room.

"I do not understand. Why can't you just..." A sob escapes my lips halfway.

"Care for you? Be there for you?... Love you?" He cuts off my plea, I snap my head towards him. Yes, that's what I want, it's not that hard to love someone is it?

"That is something that I can't nor will do, it's something that will never happen. So put hopes and dreams to rest, mate." Deimos's voice lingers in the room, even after he is gone. His words echoing along the walls over and over again. This is my punishment, not the harshness of the whip.

The pain of my body is nothing compared to the pain of my heart.