Chapter 4
I make my way to the bathroom to eat my breakfast, I cannot even eat it in my room now. I get into one of the cabins, and I close the door. I finish my food, and I head out of the bathroom to be met by my reflection. I looked at myself, unable to recognize the joyful girl I used to be, I watched my tray, and I realized how lonely I was once again. Having the sudden urge to vomit everything out, I run back into the bathroom. Gag after gag, I stare into the pit of the toilet, waiting for some release, yet nothing seems to come out like the world wants me to suffer.
I sat on the floor of the bathroom too tired to even think about how dirty this floor might be. I was covered by a thin layer of cold sweat. My head hurts, and I even consider falling asleep there. I had been tired for a long time now, years of feeling drained no matter how much I slept. It was suffocating, everyone's glares, the Alpha's expectations and rules, Luna's daring eyes, and let's not talk about him. I was not a part of this pack, never been and never will be, ever since I was 'welcomed' here. I guess that's what made my loneliness so much worse, that I felt so lonely where everyone felt at home, at peace, with people they loved.
I don't know what everyone had expected me to do after that day, not even sure if they even gave it a second thought. What if they now regretted it? A simple call would do, and I would be able to sleep at night. Many sleepless nights I have spent thinking about what my life would've been like if things would've played out differently. If only they would've believed me. But it didn't matter because I had proven everyone's point that day. I couldn't control myself- my wolf. I was so infatuated with myself, so confident in my own strengths that to think that it wasn't my fault and only my fault wasn't even a possibility in my head. I had put myself in this situation, for not being smarter. I should have planned two steps ahead, should have been aware of what types of reactions I was getting. The shame and the guilt dawned on me, I struggled for air like the memories were strangling me, for what I had caused.
I hit the back of my head repeatedly against the wall, not too hard to make actual damage.
In a way, I was trapped by past mistakes. I was trapped, and as much as I tried to swim past it, the current was too strong. Living like this was not worth it, I had known for some time now, as I was being incarcerated for my actions- someone else's actions, but I felt like I owed it to someone, to the Goddess, maybe, to the world. It was weak for me to make it stop, too easy, and I didn't want to be called any of those words again. I preferred battling out every day, even as every day that task seemed to become more dreadful.
I cried into my hands until someone entered the bathroom. I quickly held my breath and tried to dry as quickly as I could my tears. I left the cabin, with my tray on top of the toilet. I threw cold water into my face trying to depuff my face as quickly as I could; I didn't want anyone to know I had been crying. I looked every so often at the closed toilet. Once I gathered that my face wouldn't be depuffing anymore, I grabbed some paper to dry my face, I was about to leave when she came out.
I recognized her: she was a Northerner, but not any Northerner, she was part of her Alpha's high commanders, the girl who I thought was the Beta's mate. I thought about staying there, clean up for a bit longer my hands and wait for her to leave but just like her Alpha, she studied my face carelessly- no sign of stopping until she was done, I had to leave. I offered her a quick smile, and I bolted out of the bathroom leaving in my cabin my tray behind, the door was closed enough so that she would not be able to see it unless she stepped into the cabin.
I waited outside the bathroom, pacing around not trying to draw attention to myself. The girl came out of the bathroom and went directly to Alpha Cassio's office, where there was being held a very important meeting. I quickly entered the bathroom, grabbing the tray and taking it to the kitchen area to be cleaned by the maids. I sighed through my nose, and I remembered to myself that I still had work to do.
I had my tray already in hand when I saw all the high commanders enter the canteen; for a moment, I had forgotten about them. They still had to eat. I left my tray, and I moved away from the line, my eyes glued to the floor as I waited for them to arrive and get in line. The sounds of their steps get louder, and I wait in place, froze in my stand. This was the type of respect that Alpha Cassio wanted and the one that the Northerners deserved.
"You can go first, girl," one of them said, his slight accent telling me he was a Northerner. I looked up at him without even knowing where he was, my eyes ended up meeting the Alpha of the North's one. This time, however, I quickly moved them away soon enough to not get lost in them.
His hair was ginger, and his eyes were forest green; they were beautiful, but for some reason, my instincts were telling me to look away- run away from those green orbs. He was very thin; his already slim skeleton was covered by a thin layer of very fibrous muscle. He didn't look Northerner, but he was. His mouth ended with a very sharp point that made his smirk slightly gruesome, definitely a bizarre creature.
"I'm happy to go after you," I reply with a small smile. I look at Alpha Cassio for validation, who nods and goes straight for the food.
The man studies me for a second and shrugs, "as you wish," he said and then went to get some food, followed the rest of his group except for his Alpha, who watched me for a second longer. My eyes met his, quickly falling to the floor. It felt suffocating every time he watched me with that experience, that power that he possessed. Was it my imagination, or was he always studying me?
I waited until most of them had been served before I grabbed a tray for myself. As I grabbed my utensils, I realized how certain plates had been warmed up, I looked ahead at the end of the buffet where the Alpha was waiting for me to face him. He slowly gave me a nod as if to say those warmed-up plates were mine to eat. I made my way to the food with a smile that I couldn't quite hide. I even bit my lower lip, trying to contain my excitement. It had been very long since she had warm food. I kept on picking those plates as I walked down the buffet, receiving some looks from the maids, yet I couldn't care. The smell of the warm food hit my nose, and I nearly jumped in happiness.
I raise my head with a dumb smile plastered on my face, looking for an empty table, but before I could find any, I found his face. I took a deep breath, expanding my chest, my smile suddenly becoming shy. Luckily, I found a table where I could sit not too close to the Alpha of the North; while I was forever grateful for the warm food, his presence still made me quiver.
I devoured the first half of my food as fast as I could, not waiting to pop another bite in my mouth, and the rest I tried my best to eat every bite slowly, enjoying each and every one of them as if it were my last. I had forgotten how good food actually tasted. I look back unconsciously, and I find those forest green eyes on me, as well as those deep black orbs.
Worry began to settle in. Had I done something wrong?
The green eyes shift to his table almost instantaneously, whereas the Alpha's remain on me. He offers me a slow nod as if telling me that everything's okay, not to worry. At times I truly wondered if that man could read my thoughts.