0 | BEGIN AGAIN

Senior year. Words that’ve been striking terror into my heart all summer. I chew on breakfast, not really tasting as I consume the necessary calories and try to keep myself utterly calm and relaxed. Ever since I returned to in-person classes to finish up my junior year of high school, after the insanity of the three months leading up to my seventeenth birthday and subsequent fallout and carnage of the war between the Azures and Reiniers, I’ve discovered several things about my new hybrid condition and situation.

One: my eyes change color when I’m thirsty for blood. My human friend, Darine, pointed this out on several occasions during the last few months when I began loosing control - then regained it. I’ve managed to lie smoothly to her, telling her my eyes have always been blue-ish-green and she’s crazy to think otherwise - or needs to get her eyes checked. She’s been unusually perceptive of late.

Two: the thirst has plateaued. Sort of. I’ve had to manage the consumption of blood the way a diabetic would insulin. Drinking less or more depending on the activity or inactivity of my body. I’m still getting my supply from the Coven and their donated supply. Five blood bags is my usual, on a busy day I can drink up to eight. Anything beyond eight makes me feel a little too light-headed. And that’s another thing.

Three: blood’s become less like sustenance, and more like a drug. I’ve talked to Hale, my vampire father, about this, and he agrees with the assessment of my thinking. For now, he’s been encouraging me to go back to Colton, the town where the US branch of vampires/vampiric Coven is. The place I visited briefly during winter break so I could meet the Queen, Mina Chantal. Who moonlights as a barista, it turns out. And who makes the most amazing cup of coffee. But I haven’t gone back for another visit - or training.

Four: my mate, Zane/Blue, and I are still on precarious footing. Mostly because of the fallout and way the war my cousins caused so many casualties in his Pack, but also because I marked him without knowing. It caused a bit of a rift between us. Not literally, our bond’s as strong as ever, giving the both of us unlimited access to each other’s minds and emotional states - as well as acting like a backdoor for me to hear the roaring of his Pack- But I digress. That’s a whole other can of worms I’ve been avoiding all summer.

Five: the Azures hate me. Okay, not all the Azures. I’m still in good graces with the Alpha and Luna, and Caly - Blue’s sister - and Yuri, Blue’s closest cousin - and Misha, Yuri’s sister. But that’s where it seems to end. Everyone else is still recovering and grieving the loss of fallen comrades, blaming me for their troubles. And they’re not wrong. The random attacks from the Reiniers, my original Pack and blood-related family, were looking for me in the beginning - before changing tactics to destroy any and all my allies.

Six: my cousin, Paris, new Alpha of the Reinier Pack has been trying to get me to return to the Pack since the beginning of the summer. As insane as it sounds, I’m considering it. Just to visit, of course, not to stay. I think that would probably be suicide, considering there’s still quite a bit of unrest in the Pack. After I killed our literally insane Grandmother on my seventeenth birthday and Paris became the owner of the Alpha-ship power that had been nurtured in me since birth, we both knew there was bound to be some blow back.

Grandmother had been brainwashing the Pack for years, if not longer. Abusing her power as Alpha to control them and quite literally driving our eldest cousin, aptly nicknamed Mad-Dog Craven at the time, to the edge of sanity. Things over there have been tense, but Paris thinks by me coming to visit, and showing them all that I’m not the monster or freak of nature they once I was, will help soothe them. I told her I’d think about it and get back to her. It’s what I keep telling her at the end of each of our weekly calls.

I’m clutching a steaming mug of coffee and glaring at the schedule in front of me. My senior schedule. There’ve been times over the last seven years that were a lot like this, where I’d been nervous and equally excited to begin the school year. You’d think, now that I’m no longer being hunted by my old Pack and actually belong to something - my father’s Coven, and not the Azure Pack - that I’d be only excited to make something of my future and the freedom. I’m not.

If anything, I feel like I’m going to implode every time I think about the possibilities of my future. Endless and ever changing possibilities over crowd my thoughts as I stare at the page that’s going to dictate two-thirds of my day for the next nine months. I still have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. No clue as to what I should do after this year - during the year - to enhance what skills I have and begin the path to the rest of my life.

I’m afraid to think about it, if I’m being honest. Ever since I became free, really free for the first time in my whole life, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop or smack me in the face. Waiting, holding myself back in every interaction with my friends and allied and my mate-

Ugh, that’s another part I’ve been dealing with. The terrifying m word. We talk amicably to each other, he texts and I reply. But the rift that’s between us has only incrementally grown over the summer - because I haven’t seen him in months - and am afraid to see him today. In less than an hour. My stomach’s alive with equal giddiness and nervous energy and pure fear at the prospect.

There’s an elephant in the room whenever we’re together. The elephant of my marking and claiming him - and him fulfilling his end by also marking and claiming me. The elephant of me drinking from him like a blood bag. The elephant of the rest of our lives stretching before us - though there’s still so much we don’t know about each other.

With a loaded sigh, so long and heavy I think my lungs will burst, I clean up the kitchen and put my schedule into my pocket. My old black back pack over one shoulder, keys in hand, I leave both my house and worries behind as I head to school to begin the first day of what feels like the rest of my life.