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Chapter 4: SOMEWHERE TO RELAX

It's been 3 years since I lost my husband, but still I can feel it in my heart that it just happened yesterday. All the tears taht slowlyvteats me apart.

I feel so alone that I can feel the pain. I can feel everything. If only I could take my own life, maybe I could no longer feel this pain inside me. Life is so unfair! Why are all my loved ones gone? What is the point of living if all that I can feel is pain? I was trying to be okay. I'm trying to accept things even though it's so hard for me to do. I love my husband so much. He is my life. He did everything for me; he wanted me to be happy all the time.

It seems like everything was just a joke. I am living my life in missery.. I can't see hope. I can't see light. I can't feel love. I have no emotions left. I'm scared about life,I'm scared of living.

"Liyah, where are you going? You must be resfing now and.. It's late." My cousin Bella asked me when she saw me walking through the door, obviously going somewhere.

"I will go somewhere. I need to be alone. I hope you will understand. I don't want anyone to be with me. I don't want any distractions." I said. I warned her not to stop me, knowing she would come with me and look after me as my in-laws asked her to do.

"But you can't do it by yourself. I need to come with you. I am here not just to look after you but also to help you. You need someone to be by your side. " She tried to insist.

"Bella please. I want to just be with myself. I want to be alone. I want a quiet place, a place where no one will bother me. I hope you do understand. I think I don't need to tell you every now and then. I appreciate your presence and your efforts. Everything that you did for me, even this, staying with me and taking care of me, was amazing. But for now, I just want myself and I need you to understand." I looked at her as I held her hands so she wouldn't get offended.

I appreciate everything that she did and she always do. She never get tired with all the sleepless nights. When I do nothing but to just cry and tell the world how unfortunate I am..

"I'm sorry Liyah, I just want to make sure that you are safe every time you go out. I'm aware that you're in pain, but that doesn't mean that you have to destroy your life. But if you want to go out and be alone tonight, then okay, I'll let you. But promise me you will come back before it's too late." She said, asking me to make a promise.

I can't say it. I don't even know what does promises means. There is no exact words to describe how I feel. I can't think well.

I just smiled at her and opened the door so I could leave.

Honestly, I don't have any idea where to go. I just walked and walked and walked until I reached a bar where everybody seemed to be happy and finding themselves relaxed. I was hesitant to get in. But my loneliness gave me company. I just wanted to see how it felt to be inside.I never tried being in a bar since my late husband Oliver didn't allow me to involve myself with that kind of stuff. He's a kind of conservative man, and I appreciate it.

I never experienced doing things on my own, driving my car, cooking for food, doing the laundry. Everything that a wife should do, I never did. It's not because I don't want to, but because he doesn't want me to do it.

With him, I'm secure when it comes to financial matters. I'm sure that he loved me so much.

But for now, I want to give it a try. A chance to try everything I've never done before. Do things that I thought I wouldn't love to do. Taste every fruit of my success. Fruit of pain taht I have for three years.

As I get in, I can feel the cold atmosphere. It is dark, like no one can recognize a person inside unless you are with them. I started to look at the whole place. I decided to stay at the minibar where I could see the bartender in his wine mixing session. That was so amazing. He mixed some wine for me. He smiled as he handed it to me. I never gave it a second thought; I drank it bottomless.

That was ridiculous! It's so good. I felt so good that time that I never noticed that I had gotten so drunk. It made me feel like I'm flying so high. Now I know how it feels to get drunk this much. There is no impossible thing.

I was almost out of control when I saw a guy sitting beside me. I don't jnow how he got beside me but that doesn't matter anymore. What matters now is that, I'm enjoying the night.

As I looked at him, I saw my husband. I just laugh with it. I blink my eues several time but it was for real. Yes! Finally I' in heaven that I have seen my husband.

"Babe, I'm so glad that you are here! I thought you were not coming back. You know Ibwas so sad since you are gone. I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to live my life without you by my side. " I hugged him like I didn't want to let him go.

"Excuse me?" He said while he looked at me like he didn't know who I was.

I got offended but I didn't mind. Maybe he was just kidding aside as he always do. I hig him tight, I wanna make aure that he will not be gone again.

That was the last word I remember, then I saw him carrying me to a place I don't even know. My head qas ao painful that I can't even close my eyes that well.

As we got into the room, I kissed him. I kissed him the way I did after our wedding. I'm willing to give myself to him. I'm willing to take his clothes off. I will make love to him so we can have baby again. I know he will love it too.

"I missed you, babe. I thought you were not coming back. Please make love to me. I've waited for you so long. I missed you so much.. " I whispered as I put his hands on my breast. I couldn't see his facial expression because I couldn't even open my eyes that well. I felt dizzy and I could no longer control myself.

He carried me and laid me to bed. He started kissing me while his other hand was busy caressing my breast. I feel so good that I don't want the night to end.

He kissed my nipples as he played with my private parts. I can feel how much he loves doing it. He got back into my lips as he raised my legs.

"Are you ready? I'm giving you a chance to change your mind. You might hate me after tonight. I just want to remind you taht I didn't forced you." I heard him say I didn't bother to open my eyes. That time, I was so weak.

"Go on, get in. I love you babe. " I whispered like I was so hungry for him to get in. I have been waiting for him. He was about to changed his mind but I won't let him.

"Are you sure about this? You might just drunk and.." he's so hesitant to do it.

"Am I not that attractive in your eyes now? Is there someone else?" I can feel tears fell from my eyes that time.

He kissed me to make sire that I'm saying the right thing. I might be so agressive that time but maybe it was what alcohol can do.

He didn't say any words. He raised my legs and opened them so he could get in.

I can feel him getting inside me, doing his thing. I can feel the pain that leads me to make some noise. He kissed me.

He is more agressive now than he was 3 years ago. I wonder how did it happened.

He started to move, slowly, then suddenly became faster and more rude. I can feel him getting in and out faster and faster. Until we both reached that heavenly thing.

That is the only thing I remember. I fell asleep because of the wine, and I can still feel the pain.

He hugged me from behind and I felt so comfortable knowing that my husband was back.

Yes, my husband is back, and that is something I should be thankful for. It might ne very impossible to happen but that os what registered in my mind.

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