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I hate that side of me

We chatted for a while, getting to know each other. Being there with them made me feel a peace I hadn't felt for a while, I felt that my friendship with them would be reciprocal and that I could share many moments. Coming to England was the best thing I ever did, and I hope I don't regret it.

"Cassy, tell us why you sometimes feel like this. I mean, insecure or a bit withdrawn?" says Ash, and I feel my stomach lurch.

"I can't, it's just something I can't even talk about." Ash's unexpected question touched me, I felt my voice fail, and I almost cried, remembering everything that happened to me. The repulsion hit me hard.

"Cassy, what's up?" Liam asked and put his hand on my shoulder, but I quickly pulled away out of reflex.

"It's okay, it was nothing," I said quietly to him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." Ash looked at me with a face of regret, but it wasn't his fault, no one was. Not even me.

"It's okay Louis, I know you didn't mean anything by it and," I widened my eyes when something in the field caught my attention, "I can't believe it," I mumbled.

"What? Are you sick?" Ash asks me and I quickly deny it.

"Look at that," I said, pointing to the field. "Are you sure you really know your friend?" I said to both of them, still stunned by the scene.

"Holy shit! This time Zac's got everyone in one fell swoop!" Ash laughed through his nose and shook his head.

"He's crazy, seriously Ash, our friend will be totally out of control," Liam said with a hard face. He really disapproved of his friend's attitude.

The headcase, better known as Zac, was with five girls around him, and in the meantime, leaving me totally disgusted and shocked, I saw him ardently kissing one girl, then he ended the kiss and went on to kiss the second girl, then the third and so on. The guy was such a creep. I was really surprised by what I saw, how crazy he was.

"This guy," I pointed at Zac, "isn't normal, after all, what did Mandy do to make him like that?" I asked the guy next to me.

"After Mandy, his sweetheart, disappeared, he became like this," says Ash.

"I did find out, but tell me, how long has it been since that Mandy girl left?" I ask.

"It's been three and a half years," says Liam.

"What? And he's still sore about it?" Ash laughed a little and then said.

"Well, Zac loved her very much," he began. "They met when he was ten, became best friends, and ended up falling in love. After four years together, she just disappeared without a trace or even a goodbye letter." Ash added.

And that's when I regretted even more having touched on a subject that only belonged to him, I had no right to intervene, to say anything. It really hurt him. After all, she had been his love for a long time and her departure was selfish.

"He suffers a lot, to this day nobody knows the real reason why she disappeared out of the blue, he never said if there was anything behind it," says Liam.

"So it was bad," I said and let out a long sigh.

"Very. You know we're sad that he's like this. Zac has always been a rebellious guy, but not to this extent. So this rebellion of his is all her fault." Liam comments again.

"That's why these girls go crazy for him, women like that." Ash said and looked at him crossly.

"Don't generalize Ash, I'm not on that list," I joke and he laughs. "Even so, he's still a headache for me," I say as I smile too.

"Yeah, apparently even Austin has gotten into Zac's mood," Liam said, I looked from the stands to my cousin, and Austin was having two at the same time. I rolled my eyes at the same time.

"I'm glad you two made up and are sharing what you love the most," I said, laughing through my nose.

"I don't want to see my cousin fighting with a friend because of me, especially when I'm partly to blame," I said and looked at the field, seeing them smile and greet each other, I picked up my backpack that was on the bench and put it on my shoulder.

"Cassy..." Ash was about to say something, but I interrupted him.

"I think I'd better go," I said to them.

"Why?" asks Liam.

"They're coming. I don't want to be near him. I've already told you all that I'm going to avoid Zac," I said to both of them and smiled sideways "I think I can do that all year." I started and started to walk out of the stands.

"Okay then, bye Cassy," says Ash.

"Bye Cassidy." says Liam.

"Bye guys," I said and remembered to ask them to let Austin know that I was in the library. "You can tell Austin that I'll be in one of the libraries." I asked them and they nodded.

I felt my eyes water and a pain squeeze my chest. I hadn't felt like this for months, it had been a long time since those memories had hit me hard. What was happening to me?

I was a nervous wreck, I was getting confused about the whole thing. It wasn't supposed to be like this, I sound like a little girl from kindergarten.

Being in this place at my own time, which is liberating, consumes me and it's all that asshole's fault, if he hadn't also teased me none of this would have happened. He takes me out of my senses, he takes me out of my limits.

In fact, he brings out something bad in me, something I didn't even know existed, and I hate that, I hate that side of me.

As I thought before, the best thing I can do is to keep my distance and deprive myself of any further disagreements. I just want to live intensely, in the best way I can without having to worry about anything else, I'm tired of worrying and forgetting to live. I need to declare that, from today, everything will be totally different.

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