How long do I have to live?

• I regret to inform you that you have endometriosis. - said the doctor.

Endometriosis. Okay, I had heard of it. But I never googled the meaning.

• And... Is this serious? I asked, worried.

• Endometriosis is when the endometrium, which is this mucosa... - He showed the kind of toy he had containing a uterus and all its parts that he had on the table. – Which lines the inside of your uterus, grows in other parts of your body…

• Like this? I arched an eyebrow in panic.

• Calm down... I'll take all your doubts. Continuing: monthly the endometrium gets thicker so that an egg, after being fertilized, can be implanted in it. When there is no pregnancy, it flakes and is expelled during menstruation. Endometriosis is when some of these cells are not expelled and fall into the ovaries or abdominal cavity, where they multiply and bleed again. So they can spread to other parts of the body, such as the intestine, bladder, peritoneum... – he was showing each organ he spoke with the pen, in his plastic female prototype.

• What are the causes? - I was curious.

• The causes are still not completely known. But two factors that are currently taken into account is that it could be genetic. Does your mother have?

• I don't know... My mother is already dead. Maybe it could even have developed, but I have no way of knowing. But my grandma sure didn't.

• Another hypothesis is that it is related to possible deficiencies in the immune system.

• So my intense cramps that seem to kill me are for this reason?

• Basically, yes.

• Do you feel pain during sexual intercourse?

• I... I haven't had sex in a while.

He looked at me, looking surprised.

• And... When you had sex... Did you feel pain?

• Sometimes... But I can't take that into account. My partner was… How can I explain… – I tried to find the right words.

• Well, you don't have to explain it to me, Miss Novaes. So, did you feel pain?

I nodded, sure he didn't want to hear my story of eight years with Jardel.

• You are young. This disease impacts on pregnancy. That is, it is one of the causes that makes it most difficult for this to happen. But of course it can be reversed with proper treatment. As you haven't had sex for a while, as you told me, you must not be interested in getting pregnant for now, am I right?

I nodded again. My voice didn't come out and I tried to keep the thousand thoughts running through my head from making me completely crazy, since I was dizzy.

Did I want to get pregnant? Honestly, I never thought about that. My life was focused on study, work and an ex-boyfriend who wasn't even worth wasting time thinking about him.

But at the same time, maybe I didn't want to have a baby with Jardel. I was young... Okay, not so much. But I was hoping to meet someone else one day, I don't know exactly when. What if he didn't have kids either? So... would we never have a baby?

My maternal instinct today was zero. But maybe in the future it wasn't. How would I know? For now, I didn't care if I got pregnant or not. I was sick...

• How long do I have to live? I heard myself asking, looking at nothing.

I heard the doctor chuckle as he leaned back in his chair, wiping the tears from his eyes.

• Doctor, are you laughing at me? I asked in bewilderment.

• I'm sorry, Miss Novaes. But I really found your question funny. I thought I had made myself understand that there is treatment.

• So I'm not going to live with it forever, am I right?

• Although we didn't find out at the onset of the disease, since you don't go to the gynecologist at… – he looked at the computer. - Four years?

• Yes... But I can justify it.

• He can?

• I... I was full of work. Making a specialization. Lot of study. And I still had a boyfriend... And he brought me a lot of headaches, believe me.

• So... In 365 days a year, finding 30 minutes to visit the doctor and do the preventive was that difficult?

I sighed, leaning back in the chair.

• It sounds like a lie, but I forgot about myself for a while... Focusing on someone else.

• It should always focus on you too, Miss Novaes.

• I know, doctor. And believe me, everyone told me that.

• Well, I'm going to prescribe some medication to control the pain during the menstrual period and to prevent the progression of the disease. We will follow up regularly and we cannot rule out surgery to remove affected areas.

• I... I've never had surgery...

• Just a hypothesis... In case you do the treatment the same way you look for your gynecologist, for example.

My eyes glazed over to him. What a sarcastic and cruel gynecologist.

• A healthy diet and practice of physical exercises help reduce symptoms, although they are not enough to solve the whole problem.

I took the prescription, the exams filed in a folder, along with all my agony and said goodbye to him.

As soon as I got off the elevator, on the ground floor and saw daylight outside the building, I grabbed my cell phone:

• Google, tell me everything about endometriosis.

I listened as I headed home, walking.

The appointment was late afternoon and was still thirty minutes late. The day had been free, as my temp job ended last week.

So now I had to look for another job, because money didn't fall from the sky. And on top of that, I had that endometriosis that wasn't simple at all.

When Google finished speaking, I have the impression that Doctor Gynecologist may have copied everything he told me from there. Or he explained it very well, because Mister Google didn't have any news beyond what I was told.

I arrived in front of my building and I got tired just thinking about going up the stairs. The goddamn elevator spent more time broken than working. That's what you got living in an old building. They charged an absurd amount of condominium for a bad service provided.

The place where I lived was in the center of North Noriah, close to almost everything. Although the rent was high, it reduced transportation costs. I share rent with two friends: Benicio, who we called Ben, and Salma.

Salma was my friend forever. We came together from the city where we lived to share the rent and study. I went to college and she went to be a dancer in a nightclub. Never passed even in front of college.

Ben I met in college. And since I saw him the first time I knew we would be best friends. A month later he moved in with us, because it was closer to college.

The amazing thing is that we didn't take the same course and by coincidence, in the first subject we took, which was basic and involved almost all the courses, we met and it was love at first sight.

I climbed the stairs counting the steps, already wondering if that would be good for my endometriosis. Well, it was still a physical exercise. Poor was like that: he made the daily rush physical exercise. I dreamed of one day being able to live a different life, without having to count the pennies to pay the bills at the end of the month. As well as being less unlucky with everything that happened in my life.

Because honestly, sometimes I thought that God put me on this earth and said: “Let's see how much this Bárbara Novaes can handle. Um... I think I'll test the strength of women in it”. So I looked at him and showed him the middle finger and said:

• Is that all you have for me? Send more than I can handle.

And so he got pissed at me and kept sending me bad things... Until now. He even thought: "Wherever she lives, I'm going to ruin her peace of mind." “Elevator, stop working”. Then someone came and fixed it. "Elevator, stop again." God didn't give up when it came to me.

My business with God is that I was forced to attend Mass on Sundays with my grandmother all my life. She always said that you had to have faith to get things done. And even though I've been in God's house all this time, He hasn't been fair to me at all. Then one day I decided that I would not believe in Him anymore. And I would no longer exercise my faith. I would look for what I needed alone.

What is certain is that every time life tried to bring me down, it would gain a middle finger in return.

I opened the door and saw Ben and Salma sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and watching cliché movies, the kind we've watched 435 times and still cried at the end. Yes, we had a selection of movies by list: “to cry”, “to scream”, “to laugh”, “to pretend to see”.

• Babi, come watch a movie with us. - Ben called, giving me space next to him.

I sat down and watched the scene from “A Walk to Remember”.

• You don't need this movie to cry. I said, grabbing a handful of popcorn. – Cry listening to what I discovered today at the gynecologist.

The two looked at me.

• Speak up, Baby. Salma looked at me curiously.

• I have a disease called endometriosis.

• Babi, this is not so serious. And there's medicine. My mother has. Ben looked back at the TV.

• Ben, don't do this to me. Tell me all about it, please.

• After the movie is over, sweetie. He pulled me close to his body.

Ben was that kind of person that having as a friend was a privilege: loving, intelligent and faithful. He was thin, had long hair, which he usually used for creative and original hairstyles. His eyes were pale and porcelain skin, which he shaved daily and used as many creams as he could manage throughout the day.

He had a degree in fashion and worked at a magazine. Ben was a woman who was born by accident in a man's body. It was the one that God, when he went to put it in the body, ended up getting confused and putting it in the wrong place. And my friend to fight.

Even though I'd lived with Salma pretty much my whole life, Ben had my heart and was much wiser with advice.

Once the movie was over, Ben reassured me about the illness. Hearing him speak so quietly and simply made me feel good.

• Did you get a job? – Salma asked, while fetching water from the fridge, wearing only wide panties and a torn white shirt, the kind that look like they came from the war.

• Nothing... Nothing. I mumbled, annoyed.

• It's only been a week, Babi. Ben said. - You'll find something soon.

• I'm tired of temp jobs. Besides being poorly paid, I don't get any benefits. A year that I jump from branch to branch. – I complained.

• You don't have to be unemployed. There's always a vacancy for a dancer in Babilônia.

I arched an eyebrow and laughed.

• You still haven't given up on me, Salma?

• Of course. You would make a great dancer. Perfect body, beautiful... I'd be hired right away, Babi.

• Without belittling your work, my friend, but I didn't study for that. Besides, can you imagine me dancing in a glass box while everyone looks at me? – I started to chuckle. – I pay not to be noticed.

• Not to mention the fact that if any man fell in love with her, Babi would be able to rip his heart out with her own hands. - Ben completed.

• I already said that I'm not a call girl, people. – Salma justified herself while drinking water from her own bottle.

• I didn't mean that, Salma. – Ben justified himself.

• I want to know when you go there, to see what I really do.

• When we have money, fine. Ben rolled his eyes. – The entrance is almost half of my salary as a celebrity fashion commentator, starting in a seedy magazine.

We started to laugh.

• In my case, I don't even have a salary. But honestly, I think you pay very well, Salma. But of course the entrance is very high too. But yes, I want to visit that place one day. And see if the dancers really don't get involved with the regulars.

• I swear not, Babi.

• Even if it was... I have nothing to do with your life and your choices, my friend.

• Your opinion matters. Salma said. “Just like you should have taken ours into account and not wasted eight years of your life.

• Do you really want to talk about Jardel?

• Yes. – both said at the same time.