Chapter 26

It's over..... It was really over. I couldn't believe it. My head couldn't wrap itself around the fact that things ended this way .

I have been crying since yesterday. I have tried to force myself to stop crying but I couldn't. When I think of anything that involved him , I start crying all over again. I boarded the plane feeling tired. I felt so drained of all my energy .

I haven't eaten anything useful since the incident. Not from lack of trying . Each time I tried to eat , I ended up puking everything. Can crying kill you?

Words couldn't express how I felt. My heart was so broken that I didn't know if it would ever feel whole again. The pieces were stabbing me as they tried to regain their former shape. I was still in denial. I still couldn't wrap my head around what happened.

I knew eventually we would separate but I didn't think it would be like this. To him I was this awful human being who wanted to blackmail him. Me??? When ? Why? I mean why would I do that to him . The thought has never even crossed my mind.

I loved him too much to ever cause him any pain. My love for him was not shallow. At first I thought it was admiration. Maybe I admired his personality. Then, I thought it was a simple celebrity crush . However the crush transformed into something else. Into love. A love I have tried to deny , suppress and force myself to get over but it never ends.

" Excuse me Miss, would you like something?" A polite flight attendant asked.

She was so beautiful and radiant. Her smile almost made me smile back but I didn't have the energy to smile back at her. I'm guessing from her look, she could sense I wasn't happy.

" Can I get two double shots of whiskey please" I said.

If I can't get over it then I'll drink it away.

She hesitated for a moment before she left to get my drink. I knew drinking won't solve anything but I needed something to numb my pain. The pain originating from my heart was taking over my body. It was almost like my whole body was in pain.

I have never been heart broken before. Is this how a heart break feels like? I didn't like it. I felt like I was drowning without him. In a dark endless sea , swimming to nowhere in particular.

How was I meant to explain my loss when what I lost was never even mine to begin with. He was an Idol while I was a normal girl. How could I explain my love for him? How did I expect someone like him to love me in return? I felt stupid.

I know I was being stupid and delusional. It was a vacation fling and it had run its course . So why did I feel like I left my heart with him . On top of all the pain radiating from my body, I felt empty. I couldn't explain it. I felt pain and hurt but I also felt empty.

What do people do to get over their ex? Ex.... I couldn't help but chuckle. I didn't have a right to call him that. He was never my boyfriend to begin with so how could I call him an ex. Since the beginning of time famous artists have written poems, songs and some painted paintings all in the name of heartbreak.

I have always liked break up songs. They felt real and raw and they always spoke to me even though I had never experienced it until now. I would sing to the top of my lungs (crying over you by Rm , Honne and Beka ) without really understanding what they meant until now. Now, I understood the song I loved so much .

Huh! It was my turn ....

I wish I could sleep until everything gets better. Until the pain goes away. Until I didn't have to cry anymore. Until I can look at your picture and my heart doesn't feel like it is breaking once again.

I know there are eight billion people on this universe but you were the only one my heart wanted. The only one my heart accepted as hers. But you were never mine. This was not a fairy tail where the girl gets the rich, famous handsome prince. This was real life and the girl gets nothing but a broken heart.

I drowned my whiskey down. As it burned down my throat, I wished it would wash away my sorrow. Why does it feel like I was mourning your death yet you are alive and kicking. Oh wait, I was mourning what could have been. What we could have had.

In another life maybe. Maybe in our second life we will meet again and this time you will stay with me. This time you will choose to fight for me and with me against the world. Maybe in that lifetime you'll be an ordinary boy and I will be an ordinary girl. We will be happy without people or situations coming between us.

It was wishful thinking on my part. There's no other life just this one. And in this one, I was totally fucked. I didn't do anything but somehow everything was pinned on me.

While I was begging him to hear me out, something in my chest broke so violently that I wondered if it was possible for no one to have heard it. Like the sound of glass breaking, my heart did the same. I don't want to remember this again...... I don't want to remember him again....

What should I do now? I ordered another shot of whiskey until I asked for the bottle. The flight attendant was concerned but she didn't say anything nor did she stop me. Anyone who saw me could tell I was tortured by something. I was in pain. I was in excruciating pain.

But what could I do? I have to live right? I have to find my way eventually. I have to remember who I am and move forward as I should. Sometimes love ends badly. Not every relationship ends with a happy ever after. It's pretty normal to be heartbroken but it doesn't make it less painful.

I am afraid that I will love you forever and we will never be in the same room again.

" Namjoon, wherever you are. I want to know that I love you sincerely, with all of me. I wish we could have been more but the universe had other plans. I wish you well my love. May you continue flourishing and help those who need you. This is my goodbye. This is the end of our story. It's time to put our book away. I love you forever and always. Goodbye my love" I whispered as tears streamed down my cheeks.

It was time to let you go. Meeting you was a dream but it's time to wake up now.

Avah: I dreamed of you again, I hold you a little tight because I know, when I wake up you will be gone.