Chapter 28

Namjoon POV ...

Three years have passed. Three long years.

I have been carrying this weight on my chest for three years. I still felt guilty. My friends have tried to tell me I was not in the wrong but, how was I not in the wrong? I reacted badly and it cost me alot.

There was something there. Between us. It wasn't just my imagination. We meant something to each other otherwise why would I be carrying this weight around with me. Refusing to put it down even when given a chance. Why should I put it down? I was paying for my mistake. I needed to pay for my mistakes. Otherwise I would end up feeling worse than I already am .

Since that day something in me changed. When I was informed of her departure , my heart broke . It broke so loudly that the others heard it. My chance at redemption was gone. The person I needed to apologize to was far from my reach.

I started searching for ways to find her. I wanted to cross the ocean and get to her. I wanted to search her country from bottom to top. Every county, every beach, every mountain, every hill, every city, every town and every village until I find her.

But I couldn't....

I have never thought that having money or being famous would be a disadvantage. First, I couldn't go randomly to her country. What would I say I was doing there? I forget I'm famous worldwide. It was a good thing for my career but definitely not for my personal life.

I even booked a flight to Kenya but I couldn't go. My manager, the members and basically everyone stopped me. They understood my need to find you but I couldn't jeopardize the other members careers. We were a group, a package deal. If one of us was caught in a scandal it would affect the rest.

As a leader, the interest of the group was my top priority. What I wanted mattered very little. It was a frustrating fact but it was true. For the first time in my life, I wanted to fight for someone , for me, for my benefit but I couldn't.

A friend of my manager connected us to a private investigator in Kenya. We hired him to look for her. Apart from her name and half of her identification number, we had so little to go own. Of course I didn't hire him directly. A year passed and every picture I was sent was not hers. I remembered she was a doctor, so I informed the manager to tell his guy.

But that was still little to go on. He started with the major cities and then towns. One year later and we had no clue where she was. He continued to look for her the second year but by then my manager stopped the search. He claimed it wasn't good for my mental health.

Pinning for someone I couldn't get was not healthy. But what did he know? He didn't understand the connection we had. No one did. The members were sympathetic but they didn't get it. I was stuck in the ocean while on a small boat and I didn't know which side to go. Which side was land or was I going deeper into the dangerous ocean.

To put everyone's mind at ease I stopped the investigation. It was not by choice but I had to.

Since that day, I looked for her unconsciously. Even when we are performing, I look at the audience hoping to see her. I hoped she was still our fan despite what happened between us . I really wished she was still in love with me. I know it doesn't sound healthy but I wanted her to still like me. So that when an opportunity arose she would hear me out.

If we ever met her I wondered how it would go. Avah didn't seem like a petty person. But experiences do change people. Would she give me a chance to defend myself or would she prefer to stay away from me. I wouldn't be surprised if she walked right past me.

Would she throw her drink at me? I wondered whether she would be calm and composed. Huh! Don't mind me, like I said the three years weren't that fun.

We have performed all over Europe, Asia and America. I suggested that we should add Africa to our next world tour but almost everyone knew the reason behind my suggestion. I had not lost hope to find her. However my idea was rejected immediately. The company was worried about my behaviour when we got there.

"Namjoonah I'm coming in" said Jhope.

" Sure"

I was sitting in my studio trying to write some lyrics but for some reason I kept thinking of her. I wondered if I should write a song about longing. Wanting someone you can't have.

Jhope strode in and sat on the couch.

" Have you had dinner yet? " He asked

" No I was trying to work on something but it isn't working. I can't concentrate" I mumbled

" What's on your mind?" He asked

I sighed and sighed again.

" It's her , isn't?" He asked knowingly

" Yea "

" No news yet?"

" I stopped expecting any news a long time ago. She could be anywhere in this world. It's like finding a needle in a haystack "

" She really did a number on you ,huh"

" I did a number on her and I'll regret it for the rest of my life" I said sadly.

" Life has a funny way of helping you out. You never know what will happen " he tried to make me feel better.

Jhope is a sweetheart. He has a warm personality that makes you feel better. Healed even. He always knows what to say and how to say y it ,to make you feel better. We talked about work and our personal life before we decided to order takeout and eat in my studio.

That night I thought about his words.

*Life has a funny way of helping you out. You never know what will happen.

I wished with everything in me that it was true. That his words would come to pass but I wasn't hopeful. I have been disappointed far too many times to believe it. It seems like maybe we were never meant to meet again.