Chapter 42.

Three weeks have passed since I left Namjoon alone in that damn park. He didn't know it but everything I said, had to be said. I wanted to scream and shout to the whole world how much I loved him. How much my heart skips a beat every time I see him.

How my eyes seem to find him even when my brain doesn't. How my heart longs for his even when it knows, it is never gonna happen. I left Namjoon standing alone that day but he wasn't alone. I left my heart with him.

Because after that day, I felt numb. I hated myself. I hated myself for breaking such a precious heart. He was the one person who deserved unconditional love. I wanted to tell him that I noticed him. I see how much he loves and how deeply he loves. How he puts his entire life and soul into everything he does.

I wish he knew how I smiled every time I saw his face. How many times I asked the TV or my phone if he was okay. How many times have I zoomed all his pictures just to smile like an idiot. How I became worried when I saw him looking tired and distant during an interview.

After that day, he might think I am cruel. He might think I am the worst thing to ever walk on this earth and I would agree. I would agree with every insult he had, everything he had to say because I deserved it.

He deserved to be loved wholeheartedly. He deserved a woman who would lift him up and not tear him down. He deserved a woman who would hold his hand and face the world with him. He deserved all this and more. However, that woman wasn't me.

Did he know what would have happened if word got out we were dating? First, he would be bullied online, second, he would lose some of his followers, next they would find me. They would try everything to get me to leave him. They would probably go as far as to find my address. Do you know how I know? Because it has happened before.

When an idol starts dating someone who isn't as famous as they are, they get canceled for the most stupid reason. They get bullied and insulted by netizens until they leave their significant other. And if they don't, the support they had starts to diminish. Less shows, less sales, less votes. This continues until the idol retires or breaks up.

I have seen it but I didn't want to experience it. Not because I couldn't handle it, but because I couldn't let Namjoon face such a thing. He deserved his career. He has worked hard to get here. I will not be the cause of his downfall.

I knew I was being negative but it was reality. Our reality. Namjoon might have not thought about it but I have. The very thought has kept me up at night. He was too precious to me to let him destroy his life.

From childhood, all Namjoon wanted to do was rap. He made mixtapes. He did everything he could to get here. Sometimes when I hear other fandoms say BTS were lucky, I feel like punching someone in the throat. Lucky my foot. Have you read beyond the story? It was anything but luck.

The story is as old as time. Unsuccessful people always say successful people had luck. They always use luck as a word to diminish their hard work.

I have been texting with Jungkook since then and he told me Namjoon was not doing well. He wasn't eating properly and barely resting. He spent most of his time in the dance studio dancing even though he got the choreography right. Jungkook said Namjoon danced like a madman.

The first few days they forced him to go home and take his meals but after a while, they stopped forcing him. He was an adult and he could make his own decisions. Even though the members didn't know what was happening to him, he was safe and taken care of.

Hearing his news made my heart feel heavier. The burden on my shoulders seemed to increase. I thought he would move on after a week but it has been three weeks already. He hasn't changed. It was worse now. He has been staying awake most nights, locked up in his studio doing god knows what.

I was itching to text him and ask if he was doing well but I didn't. It would send the wrong message to him. If I wanted him to move on, why the hell would I text him? I already made the decision, now I need to push through it. My heart will stop aching eventually.

I checked the time and my one o'clock consultation patient was about to arrive. Before I could put my phone down, she came into my office. The woman had a cyst in her uterus and I advised her to get an operation. We went back and forth about what was best for her.

By the time we were done, it was two thirty p.m. She had so many questions. I was getting irritated because I was distracted. I had a BTS concert to watch from an illegal site as usual but I couldn't chase her away. It was my chance to see Namjoon again, even though it was from afar. Immediately she left, I almost tripped trying to go online.

I checked where I got my sources and I found the link to the concert. Within seconds I was watching BTS dancing and singing Mic drop. Being thirty minutes late meant, they had sung a few songs and introduced themselves which I also missed.

As I enjoyed the show, I was glad no one interrupted me. I didn't bother to find out why, I just continued with the show. Armies in the stadium were screaming at the top of their lungs and it got me jealous. I was working in Seoul right now, yet I couldn't make it to their concert.

I watched Namjoon rap as usual, although this time, he became a little slower than the music. At first, it was not noticeable but as he continued everyone noticed. His leg movements and his hand movements started moving in slow motion. Suddenly the sound of a mic hitting the stage was heard through the stadium. Following his microphone, Namjoon fell and collapsed.