Chapter Seven

My body succumbs to these words, but I turn away as if this speech were a mere breath of wind without the ability to cause any damage. I slowly close the door and as soon as I am alone, I make it a support for my back, disbelieving these last seconds and seeing myself exposed to an attractive man, the heir of this insane building. I feel I'm in the palm of his hand, but it doesn't flatter or excite me, my body doesn't warm up, and my pulse doesn't quicken, I just try to imagine the prospect of having him, to allow myself to enjoy the fantasy my subconscious suggests. I come to the frustrating conclusion that I'm just trying, and trying doesn't make me feel anything.

I take a deep breath and move toward the elevator, my steps monotonous as my mind is preoccupied with fantasies and memories. It all seems like a confusing mix in my head, and I need to organize it, even if the trip makes me relive certain moments I would rather not remember. Moving away from San Diego may have been the best decision I ever made in my life. I miss nature, the quiet days I enjoyed, the grains of sand scratching my skin, the ocean water kissing my waist and luring me into its seductive trap. They were quiet but rare days, I missed them too when I was still there. Suddenly the memories hit me. The word "family" doesn't sound good to me, it's the expectation you have at birth, it's a lack you learn to live with in adulthood. It could have been different. But the feeling of incomprehension is stronger than any other which makes me wish for something different. But the incomprehension remains, the doubt about the "why" of many things. The face of the man from these memories comes to my mind and all I feel is pity and disgust, why? Because it is only right that I return what he once offered me.

In New York life seems to be intense, here I allow myself to be a hostage of my intensity. Maybe I'm too much of a hostage since the last events. My sex life was just a heap of unsatisfied desires, fears, insecurities, and things I had to deal with on my own. The times I was touched made me relive nightmares that I had previously imagined in my mind, I found out in practice that they were real. It wasn't a matter of innocence, I knew many things, but they remained in theory, the practice was never satisfying. I could give myself pleasure, I knew what I wanted and how, but there wasn't someone who would do it.

I'm tired of being touched by boys, tired of their idiotic idea that to get involved with me they had to use manipulative and insensitive methods. Tired of the way they see the love and even pleasure itself, they know nothing about desire, about conquest, about wanting someone for the idea of that person itself. I was tired of meeting men who were incapable of looking into my eyes, incapable of thinking about anything but themselves.

But that man...the night before vibrated in my veins, the memory of how he looked at me as if he could read all my drafts, made my body tremble with pure longing. No... I couldn't let my mind be controlled by the touch of someone whose name I don't even know and who told me those words after all. It was painful to remember his rejection, though his motives were fair for a man of experience, that action had awakened a part of me that I thought was dormant. In some corner of this city, was he reconsidering his attitude? Deep down, I hoped he was.

The elevator doors opened, and I was confronted from one side to the other by unknown people. Their faces focused on their business or secret conversations among themselves, none of them seemed to notice me, which I find great. I walk slowly, looking for a good space. I spot an empty organized desk, assuming it would be free for me, I walk to my new space, but am surprised by a man who intercepts me. A jumble of paperwork and office supplies is abruptly left on the previously empty desk.

"Sorry dear, the desk has a new owner." The man looks at me smiling. "It might take you a while to get used to it, we usually swap places from time to time. You know, for fun." He seems to be laughing at his line and I notice that other people are paying attention. I look directly at him and nod. I turn around without an answer and find a seat far enough away from the man. I sit and stare at the computer's home screen, deciding to take the first step.

I slide my fingers across the keyboard before typing my email address to sign in. I search for Emily's name and I recognize her from her profile picture.

"I survived, but some people have already turned out to be unpleasant.".

"I can't imagine who that could be. How was it with Mr. Moser?"

"It was good, he seems focused yet relaxed."

"Oh. I'm glad you think so." I raise an eyebrow.

"You don't?" Her answer takes a few seconds longer this time.

"I'm not close to Mr. Moser, but I think he shows what he wants to show, like everyone else.

"Do you think that about me?

"I don't know you yet, I think you're just uncomfortable and can't help showing it. It makes me think that even if you wanted to show a different version of yourself, you probably couldn't haha". I smile but I feel the sharp truth in them digging into me like nails.

"Maybe. You don't know for sure, which gives me an advantage."

"CRUEL." I laugh softly.

"noon will be our lunch, I know a restaurant. I guarantee it's a good place."

"Nice," I answered

"I'll meet you in the lobby."

"Okay. See you there."

A few seconds later, I received a company email directing us to the day's business. My job was to take care of the meeting schedule and the proposals that would be presented over the next few weeks.

The day passes quietly, people seem to be doing their jobs and I am not disturbed. I had lunch with Emily in a restaurant she recommended and I thanked the heavens that the price was affordable, I couldn't afford a luxury that didn't fit my current situation.

It's 5:00 PM and people are getting organized to leave, chatting among themselves, I feel out of place, but there is a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. The last update of the file I was working on was done around 4:00 PM, and it was finished a few minutes before that. I felt good about myself, the day was not as bad as it could have been. I get up and walk across the office looking for the water fountain, I was thirsty. I turn to my desk and notice some faces analyzing me with strange looks, they seemed to look away the moment I noticed them.

Everything was ready, I checked my performance one last time, but something is wrong. The last update had disappeared. I look around and see people slowly leaving, organizing their tables, some laughing, some talking. I sit still, tears blurring my vision. I didn't want to cry in front of them, so pretended to organize my things. After a few minutes, no one was there, the silence and the late afternoon light. I feel frustration and weariness overtaking me in one fell swoop. Whoever did this had very clear intentions.

I pull myself together and search my bag for my cell phone.

"I'll be home later, work problems." I text Jessie, who replies a few moments later.

"Take care, anything, call me."

I stare at the computer screen, take a deep breath, and resume my work until night falls and the bright screen is the only light in the room. It is 6:30 p.m., and my fatigue has slowed me down, but I finish with a good result. I save the file and send it off, finally ready to go.

The elevator helps me to calm my nerves, the silence is sudden and I feel alone in this big place that I don't know completely. It's all dark, the only light comes from the city outside, which allows me to see where I'm going. There are no security guards, not even a living soul in the lobby, if there's anyone in the building they are probably on the upper floors. For now, I just stand still, the desperation at the thought of being trapped there making my chest pound.

"Are you lost, Miss Schwartz?" The man's voice startles me, but I no longer feel alone.