Chapter
I had been married to David for 4 years and with him for 5. In that first year I felt like I was walking on clouds, he was a gentle caring man and would always put me as priority. We spent many days going to different locations to watch the sunset and talk about our future. He would have a soft loving look and always thought about how he could make my day better. He would take me for bbqs in the snow on the mountains and introduce me as his wife. Every day I'd have a gift left for me and they were always thoughtful gifts that represent what we had done the day before. The hostility I found was from his parents and not him. They wanted him to marry a Turkish girl and no matter how I tried I would never be good enough for their son. David stood firm against his family and said he hadn't loved anyone like he loved me. He said that the love he felt for me was indescribable but could feel it even if I wasn't with him. I was 18. I had never been in love before and it was like an addiction to him. I needed to breathe him daily and know he was safe. It never occurred to me that what he said were just words and there was no feeling behind them at all.
He needed to know where I was and what I was doing all the time. I had assumed that was his love and just needing to know I was safe.
One day Toby had come to my house to ask if I wanted to go to the beach with him and Trish and I didn't think anything of it so I went. However while I was in the sea he had called me 36times and tracked me down to the beach. I looked at him with a bright smile just as Toby was throwing me in the water. He had just stood there watching and didn't wait for us to come out before he left. I had felt so bad that he came all the way to make sure I was safe and I hadn't gone to him directly.
Toby pulled me to one side, "Carrie, remember someone who truly loves you will let you blossom to be the beautiful flower that you are". I remember that I just stared at him and as I was about to reply he just swam away. It was hours before I got home and sent David a quick text to say that I was home and did he want to go out for dinner. I had just sent the text when a knock came at the door, I opened it and David was there with such a gloomy look on his face. I threw myself in his arms and said hello handsome I just texted you.
David didn't say anything at first but he pushed me off. " Go get changed, you look cheap in that" he said as he entered my home. I gulped back the hurt as I loved this multicoloured dress that highlighted my tan I had chosen but it was probably too short. So I went and changed into some jeans and a top and looked at him brightly and said will this do?
He examined me from head to toe and said it'll do. Still deflated from no compliments but I let it go. It was the first time I was feeling hurt but I loved him so much that he probably didn't realise what he said. We had been dating 9months now and it was okay to have bad days sometimes. He grabbed my hand and said come with me. We left that night in his black Audi driving through the mountains it was so quiet that I felt uneasy from the atmosphere. As we turned a corner David started to speak, " Carrie, I love you very much, I've known since I first saw you that I loved you".
I just stared at him while he was talking just looking forward at the road. No hint of warmth as he said these words I really didn't know how to respond. He continued to drive not saying anything.
After half an hour in the most awkward drive he pulled up to the mountains edge. I looked over and pretty fairy lights had been displayed as arch around the view of the beach. I got out of the car thinking how pretty it looked. David walked round to my side and took my hand and pulled me towards the arch. There were rose petals scattered on the ground and as I took it all in I felt David let go of my hand. I turned to look at him and he was kneeling before me with a box in hand. I was so shocked I gasped and covered my face with my hand. David pulled at my hand and said, " for as long as we are together I know that we will have a bright life. Your soul is like the sunshine and radiets of you that become addictive. I've been so lucky to be with you that I'd like to stay by your side. I love you so much Carrie, will you marry me?"
Carrie "...~..."
It was the first time I had doubts about us but I ignored it and followed my heart instead of my gut. Obviously looking back now I realise the proposal was to show I was his and no-one else's. I remember I stayed silent for a while then burst into tears and agreed to be his wife.
When we returned to the village we went to the local pub called the Parrot to meet Trish and Toby.
Their warm embrace and love they showed as I walked up to them still warms my heart now. David was quick to pull me to his side and make the announcement we were engaged! I saw a flash of emotion in Toby eyes but it was gone so quickly that I didn't think anything of it. Trish congratulated us but it was all fake I know that now. She pulled me into a long hug and had whispered in my ear that she loved me and would watch over me. I didn't think too much of it, David was my everything then, I couldn't see what they all saw until it was too late.
Toby and Trish didn't stay long and the time they were there they just whispered in the corner.
I watched them and thought how I loved them both dearly it would be nice if they found the love I found.
I laugh at that now, I wouldn't want anyone to find the love I found.
As I got lost in my thoughts again a sudden knock came at the door. I wasn't expecting anyone so it took me a few moments to respond. As I opened the door the familiar figure before me wrapped his arms round me and gave me a huge hug. Panic set in I pushed him away, did he not know that he couldn't do things like this? I'm a married woman if my husband had seen I would have surely paid for it. "Toby what are you doing here?" I said as I pushed him away.
There it was again a glimpse of something in his eyes that went as quick as it had come. " Carrie, I've come to have tea with you. Surely you don't mind!" He said as he pushed his way into my hallway and started to walk towards the kitchen. I shut the door and took a deep breath. I knew Toby couldn't be here but he didn't.
I smiled at him and explained David wasn't here right now, he was on a business trip.
"Is he?, oh well I'll catch him another day. We can still have tea though", he said as he filled the kettle.
"Carrie, are you renovating the kitchen? It looks quite old and battered", he questioned.
I didn't tell him that was the room that most of my nightmares happened in. That I stayed away from it that I hadn't noticed all the broken furniture and holes in the room. Each marking in the room represented a mistake I had made in my marriage. I just said nothing, I could see sadness on his face but he said nothing more. Sensing
My uneasiness he filled the cups and placed biscuits on a plate, he carried them out of the room and went to the sitting room. Toby was always a gentle soul, yet he never had settled down and married. David often made jokes that he was gay but didn't know it yet. I looked at him though and his bright smile could warm the coldest room up. " Carrie we need to talk please come sit down" he patted the chair opposite him and I sat down.
I didn't talk, I just looked at the floor. I couldn't take his staring at me.
"Carrie I know what has been going on between you and David, we all do. We want to help you and we are now in a position we can", he blurted out. Shock ran through me I looked at him disbelief and accepted that he indeed knew of my nightmares.
" Carrie come with me, I can look after you. David won't know where you've gone. Trish and I have come up with a plan to get you far away as someone new. You don't have to stay in this hell any longer!" His passion while he spoke was overwhelming. I could feel his heat warm my heart. I couldn't leave it wasn't that simple, wherever I go David would find me. I stayed silent looking at my cup of tea, I was deciding on what to do. I could sit there and say yes for god sake help me or I could deny it all.
Before I had realised it Toby had moved closer to me, he cupped my face with his hands and made me look at him. His sadness ached my heart but all I could do was slightly smile and say, " what you think you know and what you actually know are different. You need to go!".
His disbelief was obvious and he stood up to leave at the door he said " why won't you let me save you?".
"Because Toby I'm not worth saving" I said as I closed the door and slumped onto the floor uncontrollable sobbing.