Chapter 11

Yoonha introverted and couldn’t help hold up the crumbling walls all around us to help his brother, becoming more emotional and withdrawn as a person and clung to me, so Jyeon did it alone. Jyeon had to become the one to shoulder all things. Silently, without complaint. He lost his entire childhood and had to take on a position before he was even an adult that would make most men crumble.

I was on my own path of self-destruction and so immersed in appearing to be the worthy Park daughter to take my fathers place that I stopped being a human. I stopped having feelings. I couldn’t show my wounds or weaknesses while being a girl if I wanted to succeed in this business. It’s a man’s world and you have to become like them if you want to survive. It was easier to pull on a persona and leave everything I couldn’t face somewhere else.

Our baby, she wasn’t planned. She was a miracle that I never really acknowledged because she didn’t fit my goals and timeline. We had only been married a few months when I found out and still trying to find our feet as a couple, battling with the resentment he felt for being pushed this way. I never appreciated what she was, or why she was sent to me, and I ignored my body and my health despite everything Jyeon begged of me. His father had recently passed and were all dealing in our way with our own issues and not ready for more fallout. She was supposed to be our healing miracle.

I worked, I carried on pushing myself, and disregarded everything they say a pregnant woman should do because I was carrying so much inside of me that I couldn’t put down. Jyeon and I fought relentlessly over how I was being, trying to get me to step down until she was born, and yet OLO mattered to me more. His sanity and need to mourn mattered to me more. Our initial happy first months of growing closer came ripping down around my ears so fast because of the choices I made.

My father’s legacy. My image, my position, my ambition, was the driving force that covered the emptiness inside of me and enabled me to live without them. I was raised to be the ultimate Park daughter. Queen of the helm. There to make mother proud of my accomplishments. My entire identity was moulded to be this unfailing powerhouse daughter-in-law who could handle everything without tears or breaking down, so I couldn’t relinquish it and disappoint her. So many eyes were on me to be my father’s successor in investments, and I couldn’t let him down. I was the last Kim from my bloodline.

I took an overnight flight when I had signs of bleeding, and warnings to slow down, to attend a three day conference in Germany, and I delivered our premature baby in a bar bathroom after taking clients out to wine and dine. She didn’t live a week, and not once could I show myself to her or take responsibility for what I’d done. I came to my senses too late. Destroyed with my guilt and heartbreak but no one saw it because this face of mine was a blank and dry picture, and Jyeon lost what little affection he ever held for me. Disgusted by my indifference in what he felt was the most painful tragedy of our lives.

I swallowed it down with every other loss and pain and I moved on with my life at a fast pace so I could forget. I wanted to forget her so I could pretend it never happened.

“Vice president Park, do you need anything?” Jyeon’s secretary interrupts my empty gazing into space as my thoughts ran wild and I blink at her in irritation. Coming back to earth and my surroundings with a bump. I shake myself mentally and return to my original façade.

“No. It’s fine, I’m leaving.” I smile insincerely and saunter past her as though all is right in my world. Playing the part.

Jyeon and I are always very careful about who sees us in our fake marriage, so we make a point of showing the world how happy we are. We act so well when the occasion calls for us to appear together in public that I think it’s fooled my heart all these years that I love him.

“Have a good day, Vice President.” The young girl opens the door to let me out and quickly moves so I can leave, without throwing her a glance.

I pull out my cell phone and immerse my focus there, checking my schedule for the day, knowing I didn’t leave any space to allow myself to go to her grave even though I said I would to him. I never intended to. I can’t put myself through that. As for dinner tonight with mother and Yoonha, that’s a given most nights of the week, not that Jyeon would know, as he rarely comes home before eleven pm on a regular basis.