Chapter 6
“I would if I could, Sohla. I swear. I would do anything to give them back to you.” His words are forced through his own emotional trembling and wavering voice. Holding back his own need to cry too because that’s who he is. Jyeon squats down with me so we both end up on the floor properly. Me in his arms and curled up tight, clinging to him, while he hovers and balances to keep me close. His knees on either side of my body so I’m encircled in his protective space. Letting me cry it out while he rests his cheek on top of my head, pats my back, and sways me side to side as though I’m five years old once more. Cuddling me like he used to when I had fallen, distraught with a grazed booboo, or was crying over spilled ice-cream, or someone had been mean to me.
“Why did they leave me?” I howl through my muffled tears, covering my face with both hands, so desperate to stop this pain that’s wracking my body. Unable to find relief as it only builds and grows to levels I can’t handle. Immersed in this darkness that’s pulling me down.
“It was an accident. They would never choose to leave you. They loved you more than life, Sohla.”
“I should have been with them…..I shouldn’t have stayed home. They asked me to go too…..why didn’t I go?” My guilt at letting my parents leave that rainy night to go watch a movie weigh like a steel ball on my heart. The regret at staying back for that one night, because I was tired and didn’t want to spend the time with them after getting home from finishing school in London only days before. Resentful that they made me go, and wanting to give them the cold shoulder for making me live away from home for a full three months. I had been punishing them by refusing them my company and now I can never get that back.
“Don’t say things like that. We’re only able to hold it together because we still have you. They wouldn’t want you to be gone like they are. They would want you to go on and live your life as intended.” Jyeon continues cradling, swaying, patting, and holding me, but nothing eases the agony. It’s growing so big I feel like I might die.
“Sohla, please listen to Jyeon and come with us. I think my mom is going to pass out if she stays here any longer. You need to lay down and you need to eat. I’m really worried about you.” Yoonie’s voice breaks into my hysteria and I push my face up in the crook of Jyeon’s arm to see him. The now handsome fifteen year old, leaning over his brother’s shoulder and looking so devastatingly like him while retaining all the cute and sweet that is so Yoonha. He reaches out to stroke my hair as he moves close, and I can see his face is tear stained too. Pale and worn out. He’s been sobbing all day, standing at the back and unable to really do anything for me except watch and wait.
“Go. Both of you. Take her home. I’m not ready. I can’t leave.” I despair again, the tears now set free are relentless and my nose runs and my throat clogs with the sheer volume of them.
“I’m not leaving without you. Neither will she. You’re our family, we won’t abandon you here.” Yoonah holds my hand tight, squeezing it until his knuckles whiten, and I know I’m being selfish, but I can’t help it. I’m not the only one in pain but mine is so big it overshadows everything else. I can’t help him or her, I can’t care about anyone else’s heartbreak when I can barely handle my own.
“Take mom home with dad. I’ll bring her when she’s ready. Just go. Let Sohla have time here alone while all the guests leave. Let her say her goodbyes without people watching her.” Jyeon takes control, the commanding and mature side kicking in. For being only eighteen he has long felt like a man in my eyes, and I lean into him looking for shelter, relieved to not yet be torn away. Despite our normally formally and awkward interactions, he’s been a rock by my side since the moment I found out my parents perished. Someone to cling to when everything else I knew was washed away in the storm.
“I’ll stay with her. You go. I’m her best friend.” Yoonah tries to slide me out of his brother’s arms buy Jyeon tightens his grip and hauls me in closer.
“And I’m her fiancée. Know what’s proper, Yoon. People don’t stop judging and whispering just because we’re mourning.” Jyeon pulls me with him to standing, taking my weight easily. He wraps his arm around me protectively, pulling my face against his chest, and leans into Yoonha. “Be her brother. Empty the hall, see our parent’s home, and do what you should do.” It’s a low and hushed command. One that dares Yoonha to challenge his older brother and he knows better, relenting and nods. When it comes to hierarchy, Jyeon is the one who should be obeyed.
“Don’t stay here long. It’s cold, she get’s sick easily at this time of the year.” Yoonie can’t help himself from being that caring and reliable boy I depend on almost daily in normal life. These past years he’s been my shadow and kept me sane in a society that’s often cold and shallow. He’s probably the only real friend I have since Jyeon grew up faster than us and viewed us as little kids.