Chapter 10
Melange
"When you're broken you need to be reborn. Do not fight the
Pain; embrace it. Accept it. Live it.
Don't rush the process, you need to swim in the deep end for a while to build you muscles.
Learn. Keep swimming. You will be stronger for it."
- Caitlin Cooper
The line from this quote "when you're broken you need to be reborn" resembles me so much. I was broken to the extent that I was not even seeing the positive light in my life. I did not know how to save myself from the damage that was done to me; I could not even see the shore to survive or land; I was too deep in the water to be saved. The only person that can keep myself from going insane was only me; Only. Me. I. was the only one now who can rescue myself from the detriment I was going to foist upon myself.
Throughout my life while growing up I only heard people saying "I'm suffering so much or I'm in pain" but I only understood their torment when I was thrown into that agony.
You might have seen or heard so many people struggling, fighting and suffering in life but have you ever went through it; have u ever felt the same torture in ur life; if yes then you can imagine it yourself and if not then now you're knowing through my story; the ache and afflictions I went through that also made me question about me and my life; the life which was yet to start; which was also already tainted.
I was breaking down slowly; I was starting to get smother; I just did not know how to abide anymore; I was sinking and sinking and I did not know who to turn to or rely into or ask for help cause already knew my family cannot be trusted anymore; there was only my grandfather but he was also getting older day by day so he alone was not enough to protect me.
Days and months went by and I was gradually stepping into my teenage life but the physical exploitation never stopped. It only inflamed and all these times I was made to keep my silence; I stayed silent myself cause I knew no one would believe me.
Little by little I was getting tired of life; tired of this bullshit of life though I went to school; concentrated on my studies and enjoyed with my friends; Yes! I used to go out with my friends for cycling, swimming or for outings but..but I always dreaded going back to that hell home. Somehow I was laughing and smiling showing the people and the world that I was happy and alive but from inside I was dying; I was losing the reason to live. One of my friends knew how I was being treated but what could she do; she knew she cannot help me and thus I only got sympathy in return.
You know I read in books about how children should be given a happy and joyful environment for their gradual and stable growth and how they should be brought up by their family with love, care and support but for me it was all a joke.
I used to be so maim when I used to see my friends with their family living a comfortable life filled with so much love and care and as for me though I was jovial from outside but from inside I was rotting and miserable.
At some point I did think that now I have stepped into my teenage life all this would stop but it was only my delusion.
I was supposed to live a happy and normal life; I was supposed to be lively instead my childhood tarnished and now my teenage life was also being stigmatized. My life became a nightmare for me and I only knew one way out of it which was going to be an atrocious decision of my life.
I only heard of people taking this sort of drastic step but what I did not know in my life was that I would be going down the same path as well but I was also left with no other option.
No, I'm not saying or giving a way or encouraging people to take this destructive path; a path where you decide to end your life; a way to get rid of your throes in fact it's the most horrendous act you will be inflicting upon yourself; a act which is also considered as a crime in God's eye and I guess you have already guessed what my decision was.
I agree the path I was taking was wrong; yes! You are right a suicidal path; it was not a way to end everything but I was already buried 6 feet under so what more there was left to loose and no I was not suppose to give up but I did; I gave up; I gave up hope of living a happy and carefree normal life again; I gave up to the point of not returning to myself again.
The first I attempted to kill myself was by taking a bunch of mix expired medications which took me into the depth of sleepiness; my breath being short; my body being numb; I was loosing my consciousness and I was buoyant that I was finally getting rid of all my angst; I was being taken into the darkness but only to survive; yes! I survived cause after hours of murk., my stomach started hurting and I started gagging resulting into a fit of continuous vomitting which remained for whole two days and the funny thing is my family thought I had a fucking food poisoning; oh! What a pun it was.
The second I tried slitting my wrist but funny I did not die. I was just unconscious from losing some blood and I was as alive as ever; the only thing that remained was the scar that still
reminds me of my ruinous life. Funny right! I was so stupid I can't believe I tried taking these catastrophic steps.
But did I give up this thought and route of marring; the answer is no to this! You see I'm a very stubborn goat and I was intending to take my life. What if I did not succeed first or second; there were thirds, fourth and so on.
It's facetious you know when you're so desperate and sapped even the death fools you haha! Wow my life it was just a spoof.
There is a saying "when death is not lurking around you; no matter how much you try you won't succeed and when it's knocking on your door you just die you don't even have to seek".
Well I reckon that it was not my time to leave this earth so deftly so what other option had I left except to live with the fact that this is how my life is going to be.
But there was also a voice inside me saying not to give up and fight for myself.
So I kept on pondering and contemplating my next step; the only other option that came to my mind was to fight for myself and with this Dunkirk spirit I decided to swedge!
Bolshie Girl
?Aiyla's PoV?
"You just do it. You force yourself to get up. You force yourself to put one foot Before the other, and God damn it, you refuse to let it get to you. You fight. You cry.
You curse. Then you go about your business of living.
That's how I've done it. There's no other way."
- Elizabeth Taylor
After the death joke I was adamant on changing myself; I became the girl I never ever thought would be in my life. The meek girl once my family knew turned into a rebellious girl; a bolshie and everyone was surprised to see a big change in me.
With new obstinacy I started my war against the family and I was persistant to win. I stood up with a strong force of will power and determination; a determination to fight for my right
and for myself. This was not the life I dreamt of, this was not the way I pictured myself turning into a rebel and going against my family and turning myself into a reckless girl. I started acting like a girl who did not even give a damn about the world or what people would say about me or how they would criticize my behaviour. I was so much hurt that no one can even imagine, I was made this way and pushed into it. It's not like I decided to act rebellious from my childhood. After trying for a multiple suicide and not being successful this was the only way I found to protect myself.
But from all this woeful incident I learned one thing that life is not as easy to live as we think and not everyone gets everything he or she wants from life.
So much anger, frustration, rage and resentment started building inside me for my family for not being there for me when I needed them the most. I became a vexed girl and once a quiet girl turned into an aggressive person. I went into a path that I never thought of taking in my life; a path leading into my destruction.
I started fighting for my right; I fought against that woman's abuse and raised my voice for every abuse she wrecked on me. Whenever she use to beat me I gave my answer through a Punch and she knew; she understood I was not going to remain silent anymore; that I was not the same meek girl she knew; she knew she has given birth to a devil now and has awakened my animal side.
Like I said in my previous chapter somehow my father came to find out about this incident and called to have a conversation about this incident and I told him what had occured but he told me I was wrong running away from home and did not believed me but still I did not give up whenever she use to abuse me I would call my father and tell him the details. After some time my father came back home so we had a discussion about what happened and what she had done to me and you know what was surprising she told my father to throw me out of the house and I was shocked when I heard that but I told her this is my home, my father and my family and I had every right to be here and that she is the second person here she should be gone from our life but instead my father did not even took any action against her behaviour except for the shouting he did and this was my last straw of tolerance.
I don't know why not even my own father decided not to take my side and not give justice to me. He just simply let go of this issue like me being abused was normal and treated me like I deserved it. This was so unfair and unjustified to me.
This made me only hate my father more and the good relationship we had was wrecked. Every now and then I started brawling with him, I stopped talking to him nicely. Every exertion that was blown my way turned me into a miff person.
I started hanging out with a wrong circle of friends, they started becoming my savage and a way to get out of that hell house. I started partying, drinking, smoking and taking weeds, tablets and staying late at nights and not coming home was becoming more and more frequent for me and sometimes my brother or father had to come searching for me at my friend place and somehow all this was affecting my family cause my family had to hear all the criticism about me from outside people. Everyone was surprised to see such a vast change in me. They never thought that I would turn into a heedless girl and every one
started questioning what was happening with me and what caused me to be this way cause everyone from outside knew me as a very good and gentle girl but what answer would my family have given to them when they knew somewhere why I was being a defiant and knew they were also in the wrong so they kept quiet and acted like nothing was erroneous and it was all me going against the world. It was a pun right they all were acting so good and I was again made the defaulter here.
There was also a time when I started bunking school and hanging out with my seniors smoking, drinking and going to places but I never let these things affect my studies because somewhere deep down I knew education was important and it is this education gonna help me further in my future. I was still the same fast studious girl passing every exam and coming first or second.
I had less girl friends and more boy friends cause the girls I was friends with did not wanted to get involved with a unruly girl like me they were being forbidden to stay friends with me but nonetheless I had girl friends who would help me in my studies and tried to guide me in the right path again and their family became my family somehow. They understood why I turned into a person that I was not.
I never liked what I had become. I use to hate myself while looking at the mirror. Somewhere deep down I knew I was in the inapt but I was also done being a good girl of the family. Look what I got from being a good girl I used to say. Even though I did not like what I did or became, it was my only salvation going through the pain, hatred, rage, frustration I had in me. Half of my teenage life was spent in a dark path but somewhere I still had the determination to change my life as well and that determination helped me move on.
But in-between all this mayhem something beautiful happened in my life and I never expected that I would be so happy. There is a saying that something good will always come to you if you have patience to wait and that's what happened to me. Something good happened in my life and it was the happiest day of my life.
But do you think the abuse stopped? How do you think she took the right path in her life?
How do you think she made herself strong?
What do you think happened in her life that made her happy?
Can you all guess and leave a comment for me at the end! Please, I want to know your view.