Chapter 7
-James-
I arrived at Sebastian’s building and I sighed deeply before I entered.
“Might as well get this over with.” I thought to myself.
I walked into the main lobby and I saw a familiar face sitting on the floor trying to get her things back in her bag. I was taken aback by the unlikely coincidence of seeing her again.
“Excuse me. You're in my light,” she said without looking up at me. I chuckled at her exasperation.
“Didn't realize you owned it,” I said sarcastically. That got her attention. She looked up and I was once again immediately drawn to her beautiful eyes. She softly smiled at me and I was struck by how effortlessly her smile lit up her face.
“James!” she exclaimed. Her voice is heavenly. “Wh-what are you doing here?” she asked flustered.
“Just grabbing a quick bite to eat before my meeting. You?” I looked at her amused.
“I just had an interview. Trying to get a job” she said scrambling to get her things together.
She's still sitting on the floor, and I find myself getting provoked by the way she's looking up at me.
“Get a hold of yourself, Buck. Jeez!” I thought to myself.
“So how’d it go?” I changed the subject before I got in too deep again.
“Ummm…it was fine. Nothing special. I'm probably not going to get it anyway.” she replied, I could hear the disappointment in her voice.
I decided to tease her to brighten up her mood. I leaned forward so my face was inches from hers, I could smell her perfume and it was intoxicating. I looked around pretending to check if anyone was listening.
“Well if they don't hire you, I will. I have a couple of things I can think of that you can do for me.” I whispered. I visibly see her cheeks flush and her breath quicken. So I stood back up and chortled. “She's too gullible” I grinned, feeling proud of myself.
I avoided having to touch her because I knew that if I did I would absolutely lose control and have her right here and I couldn't afford to be distracted right now. Not now. When I'm so close to burying my past with Sebastian's help.
“Well, I gotta get going,” I said feeling like an asshole for not helping her get up.
“Oh. Ok,” she answered back. The clear sound of heartbreak in her voice.
I was puzzled by her reaction. "Why does she sound so sad?" I contemplated.
I can't. I can't. Walk away, Buck. Just walk away.
“See you around,” I said and walked away.
I couldn’t believe that I had done it—that I had walked away from her for a second time. With every step, I wanted to turn back and take her in my arms. But at the same time, I was so scared of losing my hard-earned accomplishments that I kept walking, no matter how much I wanted to turn around and forget everything. I still haven't figured out where I saw her before, but the memory tickles at the edge of my brain. It's like that itch that I can't scratch. Like the memory is there but I can't access it.
The fear of knowing that she was someone from my past I couldn't remember worries me. Nothing in my past is worth remembering. The memories of my past are seared on my soul, stained with the blood and tears of those I was forced to eliminate. Their cries haunt me even now, a never-ending chorus of despair that echoes in my mind, a reminder of what I have done. I keep on reminding myself that I have left that life behind. But the past has a way of catching up with you, and I can't shake off the feeling that she's a part of it somehow. I can only think of two possibilities why she would have such an affinity. She's connected to someone I've killed or she's someone that tried to kill me. Either option is equally unsettling.
My mind kept wandering back to her, the way she looked up at me with those mesmerizing eyes. I couldn't help but wonder what her story was.
I walked towards the elevator, I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to see her again. But I knew better. I couldn't afford any distractions. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart. The memory of her smile and the sound of her voice were still fresh in my mind, and I couldn't shake them off.
When the elevator doors opened, I stepped out and headed toward Sebastian's office. As I walked down the hallway, I tried to push the memory of the girl out of my mind, but it was no use.
I arrived at Sebastian’s office and told Ashley, his secretary, that I had been summoned. She always liked it when I came around.
I've noticed that she has unbuttoned the top buttons of her shirt a fragment to expose some of her skin, and she's wearing a new perfume that smells like spring flowers after it rains. I wondered how it would smell on Jianna's skin. I shake the idea out of my head.
"Jeez! Get a hold of yourself!" I said under my breath.
Ashley looks at me strangely and then calls in to let Sebastian know I'm here and stands up to escort me to his office even though I've been here a million times.
“Good to see you again James,” she gushed. She's a very attractive woman but she has never caught my attention.
“You too Ashley,” I responded coldly.
“Got yourself in trouble again?” she asked. She always tries to make small talk with me.
“Appears so.” I've never been good with small talk.
Ashley opened the door to Sebastian’s office and waved at me to come in. The look of rejection on her face. Just like every other time I've come and seen Sebastian. I went inside and she closed the door behind me.
“What's this about Cross?” I asked sounding as curt as I could.
“Right to the point. I guess you don't have time in your busy schedule for pleasantries. What happened in the subway? he asked. Fuck. I knew this was why I was here.
"What do you mean?" I asked innocently. I'm not going to get out of this one. I thought.
"You know what I'm talking about Barnes!" he exclaimed.
"Nothing! I just helped some lady. Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing? I responded, equally aggravated.
"Yes but not when a million people are watching!" I was dumbstruck by the statement. Then it dawned on me. Someone must have taken a video of the interaction.
He tossed me a cell phone and I watched the video. It didn't look good. I got to the part where I carried Jianna out of the subway station but luckily the video only caught the back of her head since she had her face hidden on my chest. "Thank god he didn't see her face." I breathed a sigh of relief.
My resentment boiled over when I comprehended his seething displeasure, the intensity of it almost smothering me like a blanket, flooding my veins with fire at the thought that he could be so angry about something as trivial as me being on video. And then I figured out why he was angry.
"If this is what you called me in for, I'm going back upstairs to train." I started. I clenched my hand so I wouldn't punch him.
"I don't even know what you're complaining about anyway." I continued. "You thought you could be the one to save this twisted world, didn't you?!" I growled, my voice breaking with anger. My words thundered in his office like a raging storm and I knew it had struck a nerve as his face flushed red with rage.
I left his office and I heard him yelling at me to come back.
"WE'RE NOT DONE HERE BARNES!" he exclaimed through the open door of his office. Knowing him, he liked this side of him confidential so I knew he wouldn't make more of a scene since I started seeing heads poking out of their cubicles.
I was going to wait for an elevator but I didn't want to give him a chance to get out of his office and force me to come back, so I hurriedly took the stairs. As I was rushing down, I knew that this conversation wasn't over but I didn't want to be a dirty little secret anymore. Especially since I did help someone in need.
Sebastian was only annoyed because he enjoyed the spotlight and had people think that he was their hero. I've never given a fuck about that.
I finally reached the lobby floor and decided that I needed to get some fresh air so I decided to head home.
As soon as I went down the subway station a couple of blocks from Sebastian's office, I saw that a train had already arrived and a smattering of people were trying to get on. I glanced at one of the windows and I saw Jianna sitting there waiting for the train to depart. Seeing her face made all the anger evaporate. She's the peace I have been searching for this whole time. I decided impulsively, to hop on the train.
I sat in the seat behind her and tapped her shoulder.
"We have got to stop meeting like this," I said teasingly. "Mind if I sit?" I didn't give her a chance to answer. I was already standing so I sat right next to her. And now that I'm seated so close to her, I'm suddenly flooded with nervousness as I realize that I did not think this one through.
"Good book?" I started. "Damn it! Good book? Seriously?" I cursed under my breath.
"Mmmhmm," she responded without looking up at me. Is she still angry about our run-in earlier?
I couldn't think of anything else to say so we sat in silence throughout the whole ride until we reached her stop. She stood up and excused herself so I stood up to let her through. Our bodies briefly touch. That small contact gave me goosebumps and it took all my willpower not to take her hand and not let go.
"It was great seeing you again James. Have a great day," she said softly before walking away.
"Don't go," I whispered. But I don't think she heard me.
I watched her get off the train but she stopped at the platform, turned around, and looked at me. Our eyes locked until the doors closed and the train started jolting forward.
I knew I had to let go of the thought of her. She was a distraction that I couldn't afford. But every time I tried to push her out of my mind, she seemed to creep back in.
I got to my stop and as I walked out of the station and into the cool afternoon air, I decided that it was time to make a choice. Either I let her go and focus on my mission, or I take a chance and see where this could go.
For the first time in a long time, I felt unsure of what to do.