Chapter 8: The Pain of Memories

Knox

I was back at home. Around me, the dark, purple mountains rose into the sky and the see-through protective dome over our lands, to shield us from the Roulex, glimmered. Moonlight glinted across the golden temple. Fresh air was a welcome relief against my skin.

A phantom slid through the open window and into my bedroom. Celica.

She mouthed something with a sad smile. The same one she used when I was being a hard-headed idiot. I took in every inch of her face, sharpening the memory of her that had begun to fade around the edges.

Her presence undid me. It locked me in place because I've dreamed of such a moment thousands of times. And each time I played in my mind how I'd embrace her, how I'd apologize, how I'd do anything but stand frozen like an idiot as I do now. But I couldn't find my breath. How I fear if I blinked, I'd screw this up and she'd disappear.

She placed her palm on my chest. From her touch, heat seared, branding me down to the bone. My heart hammered in my chest, underneath her palm, and all I feel is overwhelming guilt and sorrow.

"Baby." I leaned into her, my throat thickening.

"You need to let this go. I forgive you," she whispered. "Stop carrying this around and let me go."

I stiffened. "What? No. I'm - "

She placed a finger to my mouth. And she doesn't say another word, but I saw the confirmation in her eyes and felt the weight of her words. Have I been so pig-headed for so long that she has come to me from the other side?

"I miss you," I murmured. "And I'm sorry for everything." Tears stung my eyes, and it's been so long but it feels like I just lost her, so how the f*ck am I meant to cut ties just like that?

She drifted back, taking some of my sorrow with her.

Her specter form paused just a few feet away, staring out into the expanse of the snowy garden as she receded, becoming smaller and smaller and gradually fading away until nothing was left but a haze of tangled snow.

"Don't go," I choked out. "Celica."

I stared out at the flickering light that illuminated the snow as though it were some kind of idol, a place to mourn and worship when she'd been alive, when she'd been everything to me. And yet I failed her. How her memory haunted me and I wished to stay here forever. How the edges of my heartache had begun to dull and I wanted to hold onto her for as long as I could.

"Let me go," her soft voice bolted me awake from the dream.

My body jack-knifed off the floor, my heart pounded. I was drenched in blood and sweat. A whoosh filled my ears and I tried to figure out what was happening.

Something was kicking my hand. I blinked hard, the cell slowly coming into focus.

"Wake up. Knox, stop it!" Samantha kicked at me.

My breath was short and croaky, my vision hazy. I lay almost flat on my back, the stone ceiling glared down at me. Where Celica had touched me in my vision still felt warm. She'd forgiven me, but I couldn't forgive myself. And how could I let her go? Did she know about Samantha and was giving me her blessing?

But why would she do such a thing? Caring for anyone in this place only led to destruction. Dusty darkness surrounded me. Samantha jerked against my hand and I realized that I was holding onto her ankle.

I released her. "What were you doing?"

"Me?" She huffed, reaching down, and rubbing the spot where I'd detained her. "You're the one who lashed out from your nightmare."

"You shouldn't startle someone when they're sleeping," I muttered. Not when nightmares plagued them every time they closed their damn eyes. For two years, it felt like my heart had been dug from my chest like I'd never truly be alive again. Like I was a walking corpse. Yet now it was like Celica had given me her blessing to live again. But I didn't feel ready. I felt the stirrings of budding emotions, but the ground was rocky. Crusted over from agony and misery and the belief that I didn't deserve anything good.

I forgive you. Celica's voice tickled the back of my mind from my vision.

"Who is Celica?" Samantha's voice was soft, but there was a wariness in her eyes.

I looked away, swallowing the lump threatening to choke me. After all this time, the truth of her death and how I'd failed her still burned a hole through me. Nothing these bastards tortured me with could devastate me like this truth. I swore to take her revenge on our enemies, and I wouldn't let this vixen distract me from that. I wouldn't let them win and take my soul like they had taken my heart.

"She was one of those captured with you, wasn't she? A relative?" Samantha inhaled sharply. "I'm so sorry."

I felt sick as if I had drunk too much poison, the taste of it still in my mouth.

I closed my eyes, not wanting her to read the pain and anger brewing there. I would not give her another advantage over me. If she had checked my file, she'd already know this. So, she had to know the truth and was trying to play me like before.

"Was she your sister?"

Opening my eyes, I swallowed the bitterness coating the back of my tongue. Nodding to her question to see if I could read her, that she already knew all about me and my wife. Besides, she had asked if Celica was a relative and among my species, we were all related through blood or marriage.

"I'm so sorry, Knox."

Her speaking my name clicked something inside me and I longed to hear her say it again, but that was dangerous. Especially if she was working for my enemy. If she got too close to me, they would turn on her. Regardless if she worked for the enemy or not, she was different from the other females they'd thrown at me. But they could use her against me if I got too close. Best to keep her as far from me as possible. I wouldn't have her blood on my hands along with all my other sins.

"I hate these bastards. Life is precious." Samantha shook her head, her sincerity almost believable.

"My wife used to tell me the same," I said and instantly regretted giving her any further information about me she already knew from my captors.

"You're married?" Her expression only showed compassion and confusion. "Why would you jeopardize your marriage? I mean, I get that you might be lonely and wounded, but Simitar. We almost did it here in this prison cell. I don't care how hurt I was, I would never do that." She shook her head, her gaze full of old ghosts who must have done this to her. "I would never cheat or be involved with anyone who did."

I didn't answer her because I wanted to hug her. To let us comfort one another and take the edge off our pain. Her brown hair was messy and part of me wondered if that was from our kissing and groping earlier. My cck stirred and I gritted my teeth. Didn't need to start up the idea of fcking again. My pain from seeing Celica was still too fresh...too raw.

Samantha let out a bitter laugh. "Well, I guess I can definitely say that you are no angel. The horns should've cued me in better."

As if daring me to contradict her, she glared at me. Let her think whatever she wanted because I shouldn't care. It was better she hated me. Better for both of us.

"Your wife is on your homeworld?"

I looked away, unable to correct her or look at her with the fire in her eyes.

"If I were your wife, I'd beat your ass. Sh*t! I hate people who cheat on their spouses."

"You're not married?" I asked before I could stop myself, glancing over at her furious expression. Figure out how to start reading her tells when she was lying. Which was probably the entire time she was here.

"No." She clenched her fists. Something flashed in her eyes I couldn't name. "And if I were, you can bet I wouldn't have let you touch me, no matter how desperate I was."

I shrugged. If this human only knew how much I'd loved my wife, she'd be crying her eyes out. The fact I was using my dead wife as a shield made me sick. But I'd thought...believed that I'd only mate once in my life. Getting close to another female would only endanger her. Loving me was poison.

A great bellow of thunder erupted in the distance. Hazy shadows from the barred window in the far corner played over her face.

"That's it? No remorse?" Her anger vanished, replaced by cold hate.

Good. Let her think I was a monster. It was better for both of us this way.