Chapter 5

I rushed back to the kitchen as soon as Felix was out of sight. My head was spinning, I could feel the blood rush in my veins, my heart beating so fast I could feel it in my neck. I touched the back of my neck, feeling the warmth under the palm of my hand and closed my eyes. One. Two. Three. Five. Six.

No.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Si-

“Are you okay, honey?” I felt Lydia’s hand on my shoulder. I nodded, still trying to catch my breath.

“Are you feeling sick?” She questioned, and I shook my head. “I’m sorry about that. I just get really anxious sometimes.” I looked back at her to see her eyes filled with concern, her lips turned down into a worried frown. I managed to muster a smile. “It won’t happen again.”

Lydia’s brows furrowed. “You’re allowed to get anxious at work, Flora.” She said softly, patting my shoulder. “Sit down, I’ll make you something cold to drink.”

I nodded gratefully, sitting down on a stool near the counter. I watched as Lydia made me some lemonade. Of course, I had to have a panic attack on the first day of work. I wondered if Lydia now thought that I was too mentally unstable to work here and would only be a liability to her. I was a good worker. And this was only my second panic attack this month. And it was a mild one at that. If Lydia wanted to fire me, I would convince her. I couldn’t let this job go. I needed the money too much. And I needed to speak to Felix. I was sure he would remember me. How could he forget? We’d spent our entire childhood together. We had shared a deep friendship, but more than that, we had shared a deep love. I knew I wasn’t wrong about that. Maybe I looked too different now. After all, I had just been a child the last time he had seen me. Maybe he had been too tired to notice.

Lydia handed me a glass of lemonade, and I sipped on it slowly. “Thank you, Lydia.” I told her. “I don’t know why this happened. But I promise its rare. I won’t let it affect my work.”

“Happens to the best of us, child.” She assured. “I’ve seen girls have worse reactions to Felix. He has that charm, you know?” She grinned, trying to lighten the situation. I cracked a smile at her joke. Women had always had such reactions to Felix. But I hadn’t felt like this because he was too attractive, I had felt like this because it felt like my whole world was caving over me, and I was going to get stuck under the rubble.

I finished my drink and quickly washed the glass and kept it back in its place. It was almost time for lunch, and Lydia had put together a fancy salad along with some iced tea. She was going to take the food to him, and I was grateful for that, but then her phone rang, and she asked me to do it instead. I don’t think I was ready to see him yet, but I had to. How long could I delay it? Besides, if I wanted to speak to him about before, I needed to be confident enough to string a few words together to form coherent sentences. I grabbed the tray and walked to the dining table, and saw Felix walk in from the other side. He didn’t spare me a glance, and sat down on a chair. I quietly placed the food on the table, and stepped to the side. I took a minute to look at him, really look at him. He was taller now, if that was possible. Or maybe he had always been this tall and I didn’t remember it. His hair was longer, of course. His jaw sharper, his cheekbones more defined. A dark, deliberate stubble graced his face. He always used to keep his face shaved before. His eyes were green as ever, like the foliage in the woods, like a dark rainforest. I swallowed, feeling a heaviness settle on my chest. I knew if I stood here any longer, I would cry. It was too hard.

I had thought of this before. Dreamt of it, really. But it had been a distant dream, that we would ever meet again. We lived in different worlds, but I had still envisioned it. What I would say to him, what he would say, what he would look like. He’d embrace me immediately. We’d both cry. He’d take me back. He’d understand. I had known it would be hard, but I hadn’t known it would be this hard. I’d thought these five years had dissolved all the feelings I’d had for him, but all the love and tenderness had rushed back the moment I’d seen him. It was like I was sixteen again, all giddy at the mention of his name, my heart pounding at the sight of him, overcome by love, by pain.

I guess this is what happens when you never get closure. When you’re suddenly uprooted from everything you hold dear, everything familiar to you.

“C-can I get you anything else?” I managed to let out.

Felix finally looked at me. A momentary glance, barely a second, but I felt it. “No.” he said simply.

I looked at his half full glass of tea. “More tea?”

“No, Ms. White.” He said, “Now please leave. I don’t appreciate being watched while I eat.”

I nodded readily and retreated to the kitchen. It was okay that he was being so cold toward me. And maybe he was refusing to recognize me because he didn’t want to create a scene in front of Lydia. I would talk to him when Lydia left. We were supposed to leave after preparing dinner. I would make sure she did so first.

I helped Lydia with dinner, it was simple, something he could reheat quickly when he felt hungry. I left the cobbler in a microwaveable container as well, with a note that read ‘Please eat with ice cream.’ I hoped he would like it. I had worked hard on it.