4- Take a deep breath

So I get into the car and drive, driving through the city. And the lights pass by me, feeling that sweet irony of how now the lights seem to illuminate the whole night; although they really don't illuminate anything inside me. Upon arriving at the restaurant, to my surprise it is filled with couples, and a family celebrating a birthday. It's usually an intimate and somewhat reserved place, but tonight it seems to be overflowing.

I sit at a table in the corner in front of the Buddha painting and gaze at it while ordering a whiskey and looking at the Buddha painting. This restaurant is my favorite Indian food place in the city. I look at the girl who is celebrating her birthday, 20 years younger than Beatrice, as the number 7 on a balloon next to the decorations let me know that she's a 7-year-old girl, a Libra like Beatrice. In the restaurant, everyone was accompanied, and despite there being couples around me, I never felt more blessed to be truly alone. Because I knew there wasn't a person in this world who could accompany the pain I felt inside, I felt truly hurt because now that I could finally tell Beatrice my feelings, and be sure that I loved her, it was too late.

I would have done everything to make her have the best birthday party and tell her my feelings, instead I let her know that I felt fortunate for not having emotionally opened up to her, keeping her away forever. It was the best thing I could do, because simply my feelings for Beatrice didn't matter to her and it has always been the paradox of my life to express what I feel when it is no longer the right time.

I can do everything and always achieve everything on time when I set my mind to it. I am a wealthy man and a successful businessman, I always strive to be the best and achieve everything I desire, to have everything in my hands, but when life asks me to simply say those two words… that can either give me everything by saying them or make me lose everything by saying them… I can never say them at the right time. Maybe that's what Beatrice meant when she told me that my treatment towards her was terrible and severe.

The waiter approaches me and takes my order, I order grilled chicken and a salad, along with a glass of whiskey. The waiter lights the candle on the table, while I wait and focus on the screen of my phone, checking the flight I'll be taking tomorrow morning. It always happens to me, finally when the light bulb turns on it's already daytime and there's nothing to illuminate, and the night has passed completely in darkness. That's how Beatrice was in my life, a night of darkness, and I decided to turn on the light too late. I watch the candle burn out and understand that everything I used to be, the man she knew, will be left behind irreparably.

I see the candle illuminating the table where I eat that night, just like I search for lights to illuminate my path through life and through the lives of the people who waited for me to light that light once. The waiter comes with my food and places the tray on the table serving my dinner. At that moment, the rain bends the trees and it rains heavily in the city, the restaurant area is outdoors, covered with a view towards the vegetation that decorates the place. The rain waters the plants and in a way also bends my spirit and floods me with this feeling of loneliness.

I drive away from Beatrice's party, or from her seductive friends, aware that I wouldn't cause any harm to her, nor ruin her friendship with Charlie or Ivy, and also aware that I will never see her again and that I'm not interested in seeing her again. Now she is just part of the past, something that the rain cleans tonight and remains forever behind me.

Truthfully, I have never been very religious, but I feel a great desire to meditate and come to this Buddhist restaurant where I used to like to eat with Beatrice. Instead of having sex with Beatrice's friend or looking for it elsewhere, I will meditate and do yoga when I get home.

My soul is sad, desolate, and I feel that the worst part of it all is feeling resigned. I receive a call from my father and I answer the phone at that moment.

Father, how are you? - I greet, leaving the phone on the table, with my eyes shining I listen attentively to dad, he wants to see me. In a way, it comforts me to know that dad keeps in touch with me, as our relationship took a backseat due to the attention that Beatrice demanded from me.

I'm leaving on a trip tomorrow morning, we can meet when I return, alright? I'll leave a check for you, stop by my office to pick it up - I assure him.

Rest, dad - I say and hang up the call. I take a sip of my drink while watching the candle burn, the air conditioning opens and closes, and the stone-built fireplace smokes large flames, keeping the heating appropriate for all the people inside the restaurant, while the rain wipes away everything from the past and future outside. The rain and the fire make me feel the present deeply, with my feet on the ground, knowing that the best decision is to fly, take a flight tomorrow, and ask the wind to take me to a place where, far from escaping, I can build the man I am becoming in peace, far from darkness and manipulation. I feel that fire inside me extinguishing, hope, and a glimpse of sadness escapes from my eyes, raindrops lightly wet the plants behind me and fall on my suit. I clean my suit with my handkerchief. While enjoying my dinner, I gaze up at the Caracas residents. A beautiful blonde enters and takes a seat in front of the fireplace next to the Buddha painting. I take a sip of whiskey and observe her with that flame inside me that continues to burn.