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02. Going back in time?

It’s been ages since I looked at myself in a mirror, but this is unreal. I see my younger face, honey-colored eyes sparkling, long eyelashes, soft, hydrated lips — I’m not pale anymore. There are no dry lips, skin, or hair; my long, brown waves are shiny and silky like in the past, styled exactly as I did on that hellish day.

I touch my face slowly, feeling the texture of soft, youthful skin under my fingertips, and take a deep breath, lowering my gaze to ensure I’m not losing my mind... that I really saw my body’s clothing correctly. And yes, I’m right... Both my hair and the white dress... it’s the same as on the day of my wedding ten years ago.

I’m so confused. The last thing I remember was dragging my body to the balcony and throwing myself off. Am I really suffering a divine punishment for ending my life? Will I be forced to relive that cursed day for eternity? Or is this a new chance...?

Suddenly, the opening door interrupts my thoughts. The familiar face twisted in concern is one I haven’t seen in a long time — someone I pushed out of my life because she only wanted what was best for me. And now I see that.

As she rushes towards me, tears start flowing down my face again.

“Lotte!” She crouches down, touching my shoulders. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“Elodie…?” The name that hasn’t escaped my lips in many years trembles out in a sigh, and despite the confusion all over her face, I embrace her tightly. “You…” I let out a choked sob… “I’m sorry... I’m so sorry!”

My cousin, my one true friend... the one I pushed away because my obsession with Christopher blinded me. She stood by me even after I ignored all her advice. Despite my stubbornness, she always gave me her shoulder to cry on when things went wrong. But the truth is, I didn’t want the bitter and unpalatable reality she gave me. I didn’t want to see, didn’t want to accept, so I pushed away everyone who tried to open my eyes.

“Lotte...” Elodie hugs me back, hesitant and confused, stroking my back. “What happened? Did you fall? Are you hurt?”

“I’m sorry...” I repeat, again and again, as sobs escape between my sincere apologies.

I don’t know if this is my purgatory or not, but if I have the chance to apologize to the person who wanted my well-being the most, then I’ll take it.

“I’m sorry for not listening to you...” I say between sobs, squeezing her petite body even tighter. “I should have listened to you...”

“Why are you saying this now?” Elodie gives me one last stroke before pulling away a bit to look directly into my eyes. She touches my face with both hands, delicately drying my wet cheeks. “You finally got what you wanted, so why are you crying?”

“Because this feels like a nightmare. It’s the end of my life, and I built it for myself.” My trembling words make no sense to her.

“What are you talking about? That’s the beginning of your life, Lotte... you’re marrying the man you love...”

“The man I love?” My mouth goes dry, and once again, I feel my chest empty. There’s no sign of those cursed butterflies. My appearance might be that of innocent Charlotte, but it’s just that — only on the surface. “The same man who’s the reason for my misery.”

“I don’t understand...” Elodie shakes her head, frowning. “Is this because of Christopher’s girlfriend, Evelyn?”

Evelyn. That name makes me want to throw up.

Is this really my purgatory?

“Didn’t his grandfather say everything’s fine, that they’re going to break up? What changed?” Elodie’s voice trails off, and she looks away, swallowing hard. “You weren’t worried about that before…”

I know she’s reconsidering her words. Now that I think about it, she must have disapproved of this relationship from the start, but she knew I wouldn’t listen. I never did.

“Am I really condemned to relive that miserable life?” I say to myself, with true, palpable despair, looking into the mirror at my exact appearance from my twenty-two years. “I ended my life, and yet, I couldn’t escape...”

Elodie slaps my face with both hands at the same time, making my eyes widen with a slight sensation of pain.

“Ending your life, are you out of your mind?” she says sharply, her voice trembling. “Why would you end your precious life?”

Precious?

“Lotte, if you don’t want this life... make the life you desire!” Elodie’s words remind me of all the dreams I had before leaving this room and going up to that altar. The bright future I thought was waiting for me. But in the end, all I found was death.

“Do you want to run away?” she asks firmly, looking into my eyes. “You can escape, Lotte... You don’t have to live the way others want.”

Elodie... your advice is always on point, isn’t it? I really missed you...

“I’ll help you,” she says determinedly and then stands up, offering me her hand. “We can do this.”

I take my cousin’s hand and force my legs, which easily bear the weight of my body. But the unbearable feeling of being unable to walk alone... of having my body stolen by illness and my freedom taken by my own obsession, it’s still here, like a lurking shadow.

However, this time, I can get back on my feet.

“People are waiting for you outside. They’ll come looking for you soon. If you want to escape, the time is now.” Elodie said, looking into my eyes and squeezing my hand reassuringly.

Can I really escape? Can I truly change things?

I long for freedom.

In death, I sought liberation, and now I find myself back at the moment I lost it.

Once, I said that if I were given a new chance, I’d let Christopher go. I’d pursue only my happiness and follow my heart’s desire because I genuinely want to be happy.

Honestly, I don’t know what this is — whether it’s life after death, time travel, divine punishment, or a gift rewarding such a miserable existence as mine — but I’m tired of being in the dark. I’m weary of suffering, of feeling pain, of confining myself within luxurious walls.

I open my lips to answer, ready to plead for her to take me away... put me in a car and drive far, far away from that altar where once I said yes.

Please, take me away from the church bells.

Take me far away from Christopher.

“Elodie, please, take me out...” I take a step towards her, but suddenly, I feel dizzy. My heart beats harder, pounding fiercely in my chest...

And just like that, I remember.

I prayed to God for a chance to meet my unborn child, and I’m back at the moment when I sealed my fate with its father.

My eyes sting as I slowly, subtly lower my hand, brushing my fingers over the delicate lace of the corset until, finally, my palm touches my belly. And I feel breathless.

Henry, my son...

My baby...

Can I bring him to this world now?

Can I hold him, see his little face, smell him, feel his warmth?

Will I be able to protect my child this time?

I slowly release Elodie’s hand, meeting her puzzled expression, and give a sad smile.

“I’m sorry, but I’ll have to ignore your advice one last time… I can’t run away.” I lower my eyes, looking at my belly. “I can’t run right now.”

Elodie’s expression softens with understanding, and she gently squeezes my hand. Without saying another word, she leaves the room.

I take a deep breath, gathering the courage I need. After a moment of stillness, I decide it’s time, and finally, I walk out of the room with the weight of my decision heavy on my shoulders.

As I walk down the long stone corridor to the church, I look up at the tall towers piercing the blue sky. The sun is setting, painting the sky orange and purple, and its golden rays filter through the stained-glass windows.

I touch my belly, stroking it, overwhelmed by emotion. Each step toward the wooden gates solidifies the reality of the moment, making me certain this is not a dream.

I’ve really got back in time.

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