Chapter 20

Lea couldn’t hope to conceal her shock at his embittered words. Her mouth was open, her eyes wide, and her heart heavy for what he’d been through and the guilt that still plagued him. He had told her a few days ago that things hadn’t been as perfect between him and Susanna as she had believed, but she had still assumed he loved his fiancée. Dearly loved her. Lea had always seen them as the ideal couple. They’d looked so good together; they seemed to treat each other with the utmost respect; they came from the same world of wealth and privilege.

But had she wanted to see them that way? To fulfil her own girlhood romantic fantasy. Ignoring the subtle clues that things weren’t quite as rosy and romantic as she’d wanted to believe,.

But who knew how any relationship worked from the inside? Hadn’t her childhood more than proved that? Happy Families was a game her father had played and played extremely well. Only those on the inside, behind the door closed to the public, knew what the true dynamics were.

Lea unfolded her arms, pushed the bedcovers off, and got off the bed. It didn’t matter that she was only dressed in cream silk pyjamas that draped her body contours rather closely. He had seen her in far less in the pool the previous day. All that mattered was for him to offer some support, some understanding, and some compassion. She stood in front of him, never more conscious of their difference in height—she had to tilt her head right back to gain eye contact.

She touched him lightly on the arm, his masculine hairs tickling her palm, reminding her of yet another difference between them. “I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sorry things were so difficult."

The tense lines around his mouth slackened on a heavily released breath, and he took her hand from his arm and held it in his. His thumb moved across the back of her hand in an almost absent fashion, his eyes meshing with hers. “The thing that haunts me is—”he winced, as if recalling the memory that pained him “—I think she knew I was going to call off our engagement eventually. I was waiting for the right time, when I thought she could handle it better emotionally.

But I didn’t know about her eating disorder—apparently, she had it before we met. I still can’t forgive myself for not realising how ill she was. I probably made her illness worse by not being fully present in the relationship for all those months.”

Lea moved closer without even realising she was doing it. It seemed natural to be standing so close to him, natural to put her arms around him, and even more natural to hug him. His arms came around her—warm, strong, male arms that made everything feminine in her body shiver in delight.

“We’re all good at hiding things we’re ashamed of, and unfortunately, eating disorders are high on the list,” she said, resting her head against his chest. “I know it’s useless for me to tell you not to blame yourself, but you did what you could based on the information you had at the time. You stayed with her and supported her as best you could for far longer than most men would’ve done.”

Dave began a gentle stroking of the back of her head, each downward movement of his hand making the base of her spine melt. Her breasts were pressed against the broad wall of his chest, and her pelvis was so close to his that a sensation spread through her lower body like a slow flow of warm treacle. The stirring of his male flesh against her sent a dart of lust between her legs, her inner core pulsating and contracting with a tender ache.

He eased back to look down at her, his eyes so dark that it was hard to tell his pupils from the deep blue of his irises. The haunting shadows in his gaze had faded, and now his eyes contained a new energy—an intense energy that spoke of attraction, desire, and need.

Dave framed her face with his hands; his touch was so gentle that a closed space inside her chest suddenly flared open. “I told myself this wasn’t going to happen.” His voice was as rough as gravel, deep as a base chord, with a side note of longing. His gaze dipped to her mouth, lingering and smouldering. “You deserve better than what I can offer. Much better.”

“But what if I’m happy with what you’re offering?” Lea laid one of her hands on the hard plane of his chest, the other on his richly stubbled jaw. “What if I want you to kiss me and make love to me, even if it’s only for the duration of our marriage?” She could scarcely believe she was offering herself on such stripped-down terms. What had happened to her dream of lifelong love? What had happened to her secret belief in the happy-ever-after fairy-tale?

Dave had happened; that was what. Her need for him overrode every other thought.

He closed his eyes in a tight blink, as if calling on whatever internal willpower he possessed but finding it missing. “Lea, I don’t want to hurt you. I seem to have a particular talent for hurting people I care about. I don’t want you to be one of them.”

Lea linked her arms around his neck, her fingers playing with the dark brown ends of hair that brushed against his neck. “The way you’ll hurt me is to not kiss me or to not want me the way I want you. But you do want me, don’t you? Or am I just imagining it?”

He placed a hand at the base of her spine and drew her against the evidence of his arousal, his eyes glinting. “You’re not imagining it. I want you so badly, it’s making me crazy. Ever since I saw you packing up my grandfather’s things in the north tower, it was like a switch turned on inside me. I can’t seem to turn it off.”

Lea stepped up on tiptoe, bringing her mouth closer to the slow descent of his. “I don’t want you to turn it off. Not now. Not yet.” Not ever.

His head came down, a deep groan coming from the back of his throat as their lips met in an explosive kiss. Heat flared, flames of lust licking along Lea’s flesh like wildfire in a tinder-dry forest. His tongue met hers, playing, duelling, teasing, and dancing. His fingers splayed through her hair, his head tilting so he could deepen the kiss, his lower body pressed to hers in passionate desperation. She instinctively moved against his hot, hard heat, her body delighting in the potency and power of his body. It was erotic, it was exciting, and it was exhilarating to feel the throb and pound of his blood in such an intimate manner. She had never been so close to a man before. Her teenage date, which ended so humiliatingly, hadn’t been anything like this.

This was adult attraction in full flare—mutual attraction that sent fizzing sensations to every secret corner of her body. Her spine loosened like molten candlewax, her legs trembled, the backs of her knees tingled, and her pulse raced.

Dave placed his hands on her hips and raised his mouth off hers, his breathing ragged. ‘It’s not too late to stop this. You have to be sure—I have to be sure you really want this.’

Lea stroked the side of his face with her palm. ‘I want you, Dave.’ Her voice was whisper-soft but no less determined. ‘You turned a switch on in me too. I want you to make love to me.’

His hands tightened on her hips, and for a sinking moment she thought he was going to take her from him, but then he brought her closer again—close enough for her to feel the imprint of his erection against her belly. His head came back down, and his mouth met hers in a drugging kiss that made the hairs on the back of her neck pirouette.

He tore his mouth away after a long moment. “Wait. Condom.” He left her briefly to go to the other bedroom where his things were stored.

Lea held her breath the whole time he was away, fearful he would change his mind about making love to her. But he came back carrying the tiny foil packet, his eyes smouldering as soon as they met hers. “Still okay about this?”

“More than okay.”

Somehow, they made it back to the bed in a series of stop-starts where the kiss deepened, intensified, and electrified. Where their breathing became laboured, their needs scalated. Where his hands skated over her aching flesh in a voyage of discovery, and hers did the same, with boldness she hadn’t known she possessed.

A distant part of Lea’s mind told her she should tell him she was a virgin, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She didn’t want to risk him changing his mind—she suspected he would call an immediate halt to their lovemaking. He would see her lack of experience as yet another reason to keep their marriage on paper. But she wanted him to be her first lover. Why shouldn’t it be him? Someone who had known her for many years and who had seen her grow from girl to woman.

Someone she trusted, cared about, and respected. Loved.