Chapter 11
Love me!
Fall in love with me.
Of course, she didn’t say that. She wouldn’t, ever. But a girl could hope, right? Could she even tell him that? No. Obviously. Allena quickly pulled her hand from his. They shouldn’t be holding hands. That was against the rules. “I want you to stop asking me what you can do,” she replied. “There’s nothing to do, Justin. I’m leaving, so you’ll just have to get used to the idea.”
But she knew he wouldn’t. She knew he would keep asking, keep pushing, and keep trying to work out a way to get her to change her mind. As calm and reserved as he was, she knew he could be stubborn and hardheaded when he wanted to get his own way.
He pushed back his chair and got to his feet. “This isn’t like you, Allena.”
“I know you might be astounded that I’ve suddenly developed a sense of initiative,” she said, standing. “But this is me, Justin. And frankly, I’m surprised a smart guy like you didn’t see this coming. Despite how much I care about the kids, you really can’t expect me to stay forever. I do need my own life at some point. Why can’t you understand that?”
“Who says you can’t have both?” he shot back irritably. “I mean, I haven’t stopped you from having a life, Allena. I’ve never stopped you from dating or having a boyfriend, lover, fiancé, or even a husband. If that’s what you want, go and find one. It doesn’t have to change the fact that you work here. Most people manage to work and have a personal life. And they don’t make plans to run halfway across the country to be with someone they’ve never met.”
“This isn’t just about Bobby,” she retorted, and she noticed how he winced, as though the mention of the other man riled him in some way. “I said I wanted a life—one that doesn’t revolve around my job.” Or you.
“What will you do for money?” he asked bluntly.
“I have savings,” she replied. “And I’ll get another job.” Allena saw the cynicism in his expression. “You can be really…insensitive…do you know that?”
His mouth curved. It made him look sexier, if that was possible. And Allena longed to not think about him that way. She tried to shift her gaze but failed. Because Justin had some kind of pull over her, that was impossible to deny.
“I’m only trying to understand,” he said evenly. “You have to admit, this kind of came out of left field. I had no idea you were so unhappy.”
Because you don’t see me...
“Well, I am,” Allena said, then sighed.
Justin took a moment before responding, and when he did, he sounded weary and resigned. “I guess I’ll place an ad with a job-placement agency. Maybe we could do the interviews together,” he suggested. “How does that sound?”
It sounded like a terrible idea. The last thing Allena wanted to do was recruit her own replacement. She glared at him, fighting back her instinct to huff. “Sure, whatever.”
Justin looked sceptical about her quick agreement. “All right, I’ll make sure we have a few interviews set up next week.”
“Fine.”
Justin took the dishes to the sink and cleaned them up. Allena admired the way he was so self-sufficient. He had a housekeeper that came once a week and Allena, but he still did chores around the house when he was home. When Mittie was at the ranch, she did most of the cooking, but his grandmother lived her own life, having many friends across the globe, and usually travelled for half the year.
Allena cooked too, but she wasn’t as adventurous as Mittie, who’d picked up her culinary skills on her travels through Europe and Asia.
Allena got up and left the kitchen, heading for her own rooms, finding peace and solitude amongst the familiarity of her own things and her own space. The truth was, Allena loved the ranch and the people on it. The problem was that Justin would never love her in return. And to live at the ranch, to be a part of things but always apart, was not how she wanted to live the rest of her life. Of course, it wasn’t his fault. It was her own. He had no clue how she felt, and she couldn’t force him to suddenly have feelings for her.
She settled herself on the sofa and grabbed her cell phone to call her sister. Tess answered on the fourth ring, and Allena could hear her ten-month-old nephew chattering in the background.
“His favourite word is Didi at the moment,” her sister said and chuckled. “Daddy thinks it’s wonderful, of course. So, how did it go?”
Tess knew Justin wouldn’t be happy that Allena was resigning from her job. “As well as expected.”
“You told the kids?”
“Yes,” Allena’s insides crunched. Telling Jayden and Cassie she was leaving was one of the hardest
things she’d ever done. Guilt, deep and gut-wrenching, she pressed down heavily on her shoulders.
“Yes, I told them,” she said.
“And how did Justin react?” Tess prompted.
“Offered me a raise and a trip to Hawaii,” she said stiffly.
Tess sighed, then chucked. “Well, you knew he wouldn’t be happy about it. It’s a big change for the kids. And for him,” her sister added.
“He’ll get used to it," Allena responded with the same tone.
“Did you tell him why?” Tess asked.
“I told him I wanted to move on with my life.”
“And did you tell him about the fireman?” her sister asked.
Allena’s cheeks heated. “A little. He thinks I’m crazy.”
Tess laughed. “Plenty of people find love online. Only…”
“Only?” she prompted.
“They’re not usually in love with someone else. Maybe you should just lay it out and see what happens. Tell Justin how you feel and go from there.”
“I can’t,” she replied quickly. “It’s too humiliating.”
“Perhaps he feels the same way.”
Allena laughed without humor. “Oh, please, Justin only sees me as a caretaker for his kids. I’m the nanny, Tess. That’s all.”
“He’ll be lost without you.”
“He’ll survive,” she corrected.
They chatted for a while, and when she ended the call, Allena felt a little better. Still, she couldn’t get Justin out of her thoughts. She didn’t want to relive the painful moments of the day, yet she couldn’t help thinking about what had transpired by the river. There had been an intensity to their interaction—something she hadn’t experienced before. There had been tension, too. But there is nothing unusual about that. She’d butted heads with Justin more times than she could remember over the years. If he wanted a nanny who was compliant and did everything he said, he would be greatly disappointed.
She sighed, thinking about her life and wondering how it had come to this point. Long ago, when she was in college and dreaming of her future, she’d imagined a much different scenario. A home of her own, a man who loved her, and children to raise. Everyday things, she’d believed at the time.
Now, those dreams seem so far away. Perhaps it was watching her sister get her happily ever after that forced her hand and made her admit she needed to make some changes. To find her own happy ending. Whatever the reason, Allena knew it was time she moved on, away from Justin De Nero. Otherwise, her heart would never heal.
Justin rolled out of bed the following morning and planted his feet on the floor, pressing a hand to his temple. The three belts of bourbon he’d had the night before were an attempt to erase the idea of Allena leaving from his thoughts—instead, all he’d done was end up with a headache. He wasn’t much of a drinker and generally preferred a clear head, but last night, after the kids were in bed and Allena and his grandmother had retired for the night, he’d sat in the living room and contemplated his situation.
But nothing made sense.
Not only Allena’s resignation, but how it made him feel. Primarily, the acute sense of something that felt a lot like abandonment It was irrational, of course, for him to think that. He knew it logically. The problem was that, in the last twenty-four hours, his usual logic seemed to have deserted him.
Justin spent half an hour on the rowing machine and then took a shower to clear his thoughts, dressed in jeans and a black shirt, and headed for the kitchen. Mittie was behind the counter, and she gave him a quizzical look when he perched on the edge of a counter stool.
“Rough night?” she asked.
Justin shrugged. “You know Allena quit yesterday.”
His grandmother’s expression softened. “Do you know why?”
“She wants to move on. She wants... I guess she wants a different life.”
Mittie smiled. "I can't really blame her, I suppose.”
Justin wasn’t sure, but he agreed. “I’ve never stopped her from having her own life. And she’s planning on running away to London with some guy she’s never met; did she tell you that?”
His grandmother raised a brow. “That’s not exactly what she said.”
“Isn’t it?” he said, a bitter taste forming in his mouth. “She met some guy online, some fireman, and thinks he might be the love of her life. She wants to get married and run off into the fucking rain of London.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad,” Mittie said, grinning.
Justin moaned. “Please don’t encourage her to be irresponsible.”
“Why would I do that?” the old woman queried, still grinning.
“Because you’re a hopeless romantic who watches way too many sappy movies.”
Mittie made a disapproving face. “You’re about as romantic as an old shoe. Sometimes I wonder how you were ever your father’s son. He was such a romantic. He courted your mother the old-fashioned way, with flowers and candy, and he even sang to her—of course they were young, still more or less teenagers, so perhaps that had something to do with it. But I remember how your grandfather used to write me the most romantic poetry.” She sighed and smiled. “You’re missing that gene. Even your friends, Chase and Tyler, are romantic."
Justin rolled his eyes. “They are different, and I’m not averse to romance, but I don’t see anything romantic in running off to God knows where to meet someone who could potentially be a serial killer. Allena should show more sense.”
“There’s more to life than being sensible, Justin. You used to know that.”
Maybe he had. Once, long ago. Before he’d lost everything.