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Chapter 3

I come downstairs once again in a baggy hoodie this time paired with my black cargo pants and my beat up converse, only to have my Mother shake her head and send me back upstairs. “Sorry honey not today, please wear something pretty we’re going to that nice boutique your friend works at and a salon today so maybe a sundress and some sandals?”

“Sure thing Ma” today will not be a good day, not at all. I really do try to do what she asks but I try on all of the dresses I own, all feel too tight, or too revealing or just plain wrong. Some Days are worse than others when it comes to my gender dysphoria and of course today has to be one of the days that even my own skin feels wrong.

I feel the anxiety rise in me, at what is expected of me today. I run into my bathroom and splash water on my face to try and ground myself and once I finally calm myself I trudge back over to my closet. I find a long black skirt and one of Dad’s old band tees and a black and grey flannel that I leave unbuttoned over the tee. I pair it with my Doc Marten sandals, and since I can't hide my hair in a hoodie I pull the top half of my hair into a bun and let the rest of my curls fall loose.

The outfit is a compromise, I know my mom won’t love it but it's all I can handle right now, the hair and skirt is for her but this boxy fitting shirt is my saving grace especially knowing that with what is expected of me today. I couldn't even wear my typical undergarments instead having to wear an uncomfortable underwire bra and discreet underwear that won't show if I have to try on a more skintight dress.

I take a deep breath and open my door calling out to mom with a small lie. “Ma, before I come down and you tell me to change again I'm on my period and I’m feeling super bloated so please let this be okay”

“Oh look at you, you look so pretty with your hair down Willa you should wear it like this more often rather than hiding in hats and beanies all the time” she coos twirling one of my ringlets in her hand. I simply nod at her compliment knowing that she isn't entirely happy with what I chose to wear but she never wants to upset me; so we leave and head into town pulling up at a boutique that sells formal wear, like prom and bridesmaid dresses.

“Luna Anne, Willa, so lovely to see you today. Do we need a last minute dress for tomorrow?” Luca greets us. He smiles at me warmly and wraps me up in a quick hug. Luca Rivers was a grade ahead of me at school and started working here shortly after graduation.

During our time together at school I was the top of my class in all my science classes and he needed a little bit of help with biology so that's how we became close. I would help him study and he would get his brother Adam to drive us home from school since I don't have my licence and my parents were often busy with pack duties. Luca is shorter than your average male similar in build to me, but what he lacks in height he makes up for in his bright energy and his ability to talk your ear off. Unlike Adam who is taller than even my father and he is quiet and always lost in his thoughts.

“Good Morning Luca dear, you are right! We are in fact here to find a gorgeous dress for this gorgeous girl, who becomes a woman tomorrow” my dear mother gushes pinching my cheek, she does a few rounds of the store and builds a collection of dresses, handing them all to poor Luca to put in my dressing room.

In the meantime I find myself staring at a mannequin in the other side of the store, it's wearing a simple black tuxedo with sage green pocket square and matching bowtie, I find myself losing myself in a daze running my fingers over the rich feeling fabric imagining and impossible future where this is what I'm wearing tomorrow. “Willa Honey? What are you doing?”

“Oh nothing, um…. Just thinking about tomorrow… like maybe my mate will be wearing a tux like this one hehe” my mother pulled me from my reverie with her question and it was the least suspicious thing I could think of and she giggles something about girls being boy crazy at my age but I see Luca looking at me as if he can see right through my lie which is entirely impossible.

It's not long before my mother has squished half the store into my fitting room and I'm ushered into it. One by one I'm buttoned or zipped into each dress, I emerge from the stall, do a twirl for my Ma then get into the next dress. I tried to dissociate from my body for most of it but Luca has just laced me into a bust princess style gown with a glitter corset top and puffy skirt. The neckline of the dress and curve of the corset highlights the features I try my hardest to hide.

My feet feel stuck to the carpeted floor as I stare in the mirror, this is too much, I can’t go out there and show this dress off because I know once my mother sees me in this one she will choose it for me. “Luca can you give me a minute alone please”

I feel the dressing room walls closing in on me as I'm surrounded with lace and tulle and sequins, the air is getting thin and my skin feels hot, I can my heart beat thumping fast and loud while my mother is on the other side of the satin curtain asking how beautiful I feel in all this dresses but I can barely breathe.

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