Chapter 3: Can't Outrun the Past

“Sukia?” came a soothing voice that I hadn’t heard in years. “Honey?”

At first, I couldn’t get words to come out of my mouth. I swallowed hard saliva and barely managed my voice to come out at all. “M… Mom…?”

A relieved sigh came from the woman on the other end of the line. “Suki, love, I’m… I’m so happy to hear your voice…” her voice sounded cracked as if she was on the verge of tears. Hearing her wounded voice made my emotions threaten to release tears as well but I stubbornly held them back with all my strength.

“What do you want, Mom?” I managed to speak in a hoarse voice.

“That’s what you say to me after all these years?” Her words were barely a whisper and I fell silent as guilt consumed me. These were emotions that I hadn’t felt in a very long time and they were suffocating me to the point they stole my voice. After a few seconds of silence that felt like an eternity, she murmured in a softer tone. “I want to talk, honey. In person.”

“Why can’t it just be over the phone?” I asked bluntly, gaining a little bit more control over my voice.

“Because I know you’ll just hang up on me.” my mother’s tone was just as blunt. I couldn’t help but grin. Nobody knew me better than my mother. It felt oddly nice having this familiar tone back and forth like the way we’d argue when I was a snot-nose brat. “Let’s meet tomorrow. I’ll see you at Amy’s.”

“Whoa, whoa, what? What’s with the rush? What’s going on?” I spoke more warily. My mother’s urgency to meet me felt like she wanted to see me for other reasons than just missing me and wanting a bear hug.

There was hesitation in her voice. “Alright… but please don’t hang up.”

“That depends on what you have to say to me,” I said with my usual stubbornness.

There was another pause in her voice as if she was choosing her words very carefully. Most likely thinking of the first words to say that’ll keep me from hanging up immediately. “...I’m married.”

“WHAT?!” I roared furiously, undoubtedly making her jump to the other end of the line. “WHY?! But- no! NO! You can’t just…!”

“Honey, please calm down–” my mom tried to soothe me but I was already pacing back and forth, I cut off her words with another enraged snap.

“Fuck this!” I yelled and then hung up before my mother could protest. I continued to pace back and forth while running my fingers through my curly locks, a headache began to pulse in my head as my anger consumed me.

What about Dad? Why would she do that? Why?? What about Dad?! The words that rotated my chaotic brain were about to make me start to hyperventilate and I struggled to reclaim my body’s control. As I have always done in the past, I would crouch down and hug my legs tightly while doing my hardest to think of a distraction. When I was a child, it was always a new video game about to come out or a horror movie I loved. I haven’t needed to comfort myself like this in years, so I was at a loss as to what to distract myself with. Oh yeah. I need to sell this stupid watch and ring…

I took in a deep breath and let it out as soon as I was back in control of my body and rose to my feet once again. “Amy…” I growled under my breath, realizing that my friend had to have known about this since the beginning. It was the only explanation I could think of for why she was so desperate to get in contact with me and why Mom wanted to meet there.

Instead of taking my sweet time, I began to run to Amy’s apartment, leaving me gasping for air when I reached my destination. Smoking for years was starting to bite me in the ass. After I raced up the apartment’s staircase to her door I began pounding it with an impatient fist. My knocks were definitely loud enough to wake the neighbors but thankfully Amy opened up the door before that could happen.

“Suki! What–” Before she could finish her sentence, I stormed past her and into her living room. Amy grimaced and took in a deep breath, preparing for my onslaught as she closed the door and followed after me.

“What the FUCK, Amy?! What is this?? How long have you known?” I continued to yell as I began to pace back and forth once again.

Amy looked down at her feet guiltily. “I’ve known before they got married.” I spun around with a furious glare but before I could shout my frustration, she quickly tried to explain herself. “You haven’t spoken to her in years! She’s finally happy, Suki. She’s truly happy. She’s not… she’s not depressed like she was when we were young. She’s moved on. Found love. Isn’t that all you ever wanted for her? Is it to be happy again?”

I bit my tongue as I looked away. It’s true. All I ever wished for was for my mom to be happy again. The whole reason why I ran away was because I couldn’t stand seeing her so sad every second of the day. “I… yes, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I never wanted her to marry a different man!”

“Sukia… if she had kept focusing on the past, on what happened to your dad, she would’ve remained sad. Marcus was an amazing man and soldier. He was your hero, my hero, your mom’s hero, and he died a hero. His sacrifice saved a lot of lives. Your mom will forever be proud to be his wife. But moving on doesn’t mean she’s forgetting about him. She’s finally coming to terms and coping, living her life again. Sukia.” Amy set her hands tightly on my shoulders, her eyes looked watery from pity but her smile was gentle and caring. “You have to start living your life too.”

“Start living my life? I am living my life! My life is just fine.” I sassed while turning my head away, my mind once again reeling with emotions I hadn’t felt in forever.

“Sukia, you were on the news last night! If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll either end up in prison or dead in some back alley!” This time it was Amy who shouted, her grip tightening on my shoulders. I did not answer. I could’ve spitted fire but my inner flame was cinders right now. I couldn’t even bring myself to look Amy in the eyes anymore. The thought of my mother moving on with another man had taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. Amy noticed how tired I looked and she sighed before hugging me tightly. “Take a shower, Suki. Just try to relax tonight, alright? You can sleep in my bed tonight.”

“No. I’m fine with the couch.” I mumbled, still avoiding eye contact. Amy’s lips pursed but she still gave a nod and soft smile as she led me to the bathroom I’ve used a hundred times. She left while closing the door so that I could undress and glance at my naked body in the mirror. I had that hourglass figure that all women and men desired. The only flaws on my body were multiple scars from lacerations. The streets have taught me many lessons, all the hard way. Thinking about it now, most of my life has been the hard way since I started to find my own way in this world.

I let the hot, steamy water wash away the scent and sweat of sex. Some of my bra-length hair draped my face as I started bumping my head against the tiled wall repeatedly. My anxiety over tomorrow made my nerves tingle. My shower was short per usual and Amy had already set out a towel and her spar pajamas before I was done. She had even already put a pillow and thick blanket on the couch for me. Sleeping on her couch was one of the few things in life I really looked forward to, it was way better than sleeping on mattresses with broken springs or falling asleep while sitting in a chair. My back was killing me.

As I got comfy in my temporary bed, Amy kissed my forehead and gave me a sweet smile like she does every night before I go to sleep. Even if I did have to curl up in a ball on the small couch, it was a lot better than what I was used to. I willingly went to sleep this time, for once being truly comfortable. I should’ve known better.

As soon as I was swallowed by darkness, I felt harsh hands wrap around my throat.