CHAPTER 5: LAST OBLIGATION

Pamela’s words lingered in my head like a strong-hold glue as I drove home. I knew this time would come the minute she returned. I perfectly knew that she would regain Michael back, especially now that we are divorced. I am not shocked that she knows about it, mother or Peter might have told her the news already, or perhaps it was Michael himself who conveyed to her about it.

I gripped the steering wheel tightly as anger enveloped my system and ate me whole. I was angry at myself for stupidly committing such a grave mistake that ruined my life. It didn’t just cause me excruciation of almost every adverse emotion, but caused me to waste and harrow years with the wrong person. I was even more furious with Michael for slapping me with the reality that he could never be mine even if I cried stones and died. That he didn’t give me a chance to experience affection from him even the slightest. I am madly raging at the whole world right now.

If only I could return back in time and change everything, if only I could recourse my life and get to choose a family I wish to have, I would have not chosen them. I’d rather be in a different family, even someone less fortunate than them, than spend my twenty four years of hollowness and deprivation with a family that never valued my existence.

How I wish my life was different, but with the exemption of Michelle. I am more than willing to give up this life I have now just to have a much more peaceful life. Aside from Michelle’s affection, my heart was craving for belongingness, for something I have never experienced before.

The minute I set foot at the doorstep of my humble home, I slightly held back the key to open the door. My daughter must be inside already. Michael must have taken her home as what we have agreed upon and what was ordered to him by the court. With Michelle’s smart-mind and being so observant, she most probably knew that there was a commotion that happened earlier.

‘What would I say if she inquired what the commotion was all about? How would I explain to her what happened to her grandfather without causing her severe pain?’

I hate lying to her. I don’t want to sugar-coat what happened either, because sooner or later, she would know the truth. It would devastate me even more if she knew it from others rather than from me. She has all the right to know. But what deeply disturbed me right this very moment, was how am I supposed to disclose to her the truth without enormously breaking her heart?

This is one of those rare times where I wish she wasn’t home. I wish she was still with her father and Michael has forgotten to send her home, because of the untimely incident at the hospital. After everything that happened today, I don’t think I have enough strength to console a grieving child, or even ease her pain away, because I am also emotionally unstable now.

Praying at the heavens to grant my simple wish, I inserted the key and hoped for the best. My agitations and uneasiness subsided when I finally settled in. My housemaid, Carol, instantly told me that Michael called earlier saying he cannot bring our daughter home tonight due to an emergency.

‘Thank goodness she’s not here.’

As my body laid back on the cushion of my small living room after collecting the mail from the center table, I mindlessly scanned the envelopes. Most of them are bills, one was from the city office and one came from an unknown sender, Hunt's Global Corporation. Because of fatigue, I simply placed them back on the center table and decided to call it a night.

The following day, I was awakened by my daughter’s warm embrace. Hearing her adorable voice and her joyful laughs first thing in the morning, brought a smile to my face as I hugged her back.

“I missed you, Mommy. Did you miss me?”

I ruffled the top of her natural blonde hair, which she accumulated from her father, and showered her with butterfly kisses. “So much, baby. Mommy misses you a lot. I had to sleep all by myself last night.”

“Daddy said an emergency happened and he needs to be at the hospital, so he couldn’t send me home last night. What happened, Mom? Who was at the hospital? Daddy was anxious and a bit cranky yesterday.”

I shut my eyes and curse inside my mind. After I sighed deeply, I sat and positioned her closely in front of me. I guess this is the right time to tell her everything, since later would be the start of father’s wake. There’s no reason for me to delay the truth from her.

I looked at Michelle intently while thinking of the right words to say. I was thinking of sugar-coating the details, but I knew deep down inside of me that however I justify the situation, she will eventually get hurt with what happened to her beloved grandfather. I braced myself after sighing heavily.

“Listen carefully, baby. I need you to listen to Mommy, because what I would be telling you is with utmost importance” She beamed at me with eyes wide open before nodding. “Your grandpa encountered an accident the day before, and your Uncle Peter together with your grandma, rushed him to the hospital. He had wounds on his body that he had to go in for surgery.”

“Is he alright now, Mommy? Could I visit Grandpa at the hospital and see him? My kisses will heal his wounds really quick” There was worry laced with her words.

“You can’t, baby. Grandpa’s no longer at the hospital.”

“Then let’s just go to their house instead. I promise to behave and not to disturb him too much” She said cheerfully and even raised her right hand as if making an oath.

“He’s not also there.”

“Then where is he? I want to see Grandpa, Mommy. He needs my hugs and kisses for him to get well soon. He always says that to me every time he’s not feeling alright and something aches from his body.”

I tried to smile back at her, holding back the tears that were already at bay. Those query eyes staring straight at me and the anxiety that fills them, make my voice tremble as I answer.

“Grandpa’s in heaven already. He’s in God’s hands now.”

Michelle was taken aback. She momentarily fell silent as if something had caught inside her throat and she wasn’t able to speak up. By the stunned looks in her eyes and the somber expression of her face, I knew she was already aware of what her grandfather had become.

Minutes later, small droplets of tears rolled down from her chubby cheeks. Her cat-like eyes, where she had gotten from me, were filled with sober fluids that completely broke my heart apart. With haste, I wrapped her around my arms and gently caressed her little back.

“I can’t believe Grandpa’s gone. How could he have left without even saying goodbye to me? He never did that, not even once. How could he do that to me now?”

I could feel my own cheeks soaking with freshly warm tears. Seeing and hearing my daughter’s agonizing cries, at her young age, crumpled my heart immensely. If only I could take away her sorrow and see again the brightness in her eyes, I would take it from her wholeheartedly.

“That’s the nature of life, Michelle. People would come and go in this world. It’s inevitable. It was just a matter of who would go first and who would go last. It happens that your grandpa was the first from us to go.”

“But I will miss him so much, Mommy,” She wails even harder, making my world collapse knowing I can’t do anything, but to console her grievance.

“I’m sure he will miss you as well. But don’t worry, because he can look after you now everywhere you go and protect you from harm. He is an angel now, guarding his loved ones from up above.”

I had to concoct pleasant images of my father to her even though I knew that none of what I said were real, to pacify her sadness and longing for him.

In a matter of seconds, she stared at me in astonishment. The sadness that bore her eyes was diminishing. “With big wings and lots of purely white feathers?” I quickly nodded and smiled widely. “So he is now my Grandpa Angel!” Her little voice exclaimed excitedly.

“Yes.”

Without answering back, she suddenly stood up and started to jump with glee as she chanted the word ‘I have a Grandpa Angel’ over and over again.

My smile broadens seeing how delighted she was with the thought. A huge rock was uprooted inside my heart as I watched her little body sway happily and listen to her joyful chant.

As if nothing had happened prior to today and no family member had died inside our humble home, we merrily joined for breakfast and ecstatically spent the rest of the day together. When nightfall came, I left Michelle with Carol, who happened to be her nanny as well every time she was with me.

Although I didn’t want to leave her side for the whole night, I must fulfill my last obligation as a family member for the sake of display. I drive to the funeral home with a heavy heart. I had to face them again, face their accusing and mocking stares, and deal with their passiveness.

As I stepped inside the mortuary, my eyes immediately landed on Pamela. Sitting in front, next to my mother on her right and Michael on her left, with his arm stretched at her shoulder and providing all the support she needs. The pain my ex-husband has inflicted on me through the years heightened as I watched how close they were.

‘It's just a matter of time before every inch of pain will fade. Just a couple of days more to bear before I could truly free myself from their lives. This would be my last obligation to bear, then after this, I would be totally free.’