Ana Oliveira Part 2

It was clear how her eyes sparkled with a vivid brightness when she spoke of her beloved. They had been together for almost two years, and despite the twenty-year age difference, it was obvious that he looked at her with genuine love. One of the reasons she lived alone was that most of her family disapproved of the relationship. They judged her so much that, little by little, they distanced themselves.

"I'm sure it will be..."

"Oh, look who’s here!" Marta exclaimed, delighted. "I thought you weren’t going to come..."

I then noticed the extra place set at the table and turned toward the entrance. A broad smile spread across my face when I saw Luana. She walked over with her usual poise, wearing a long, leopard-print dress, and dropped her backpack on the L-shaped sofa.

"Hi, Auntie!" she greeted, kissing the older woman on the forehead. Luana was one of the few people who hadn’t distanced themselves. "And you, my hot friend?!"

"Hey, Lu!" I said, getting up to hug her. "It’s been so long..."

"Yeah, I finally got a break from my thesis. This master’s in Economics is driving me crazy." Then she stepped back from our embrace and turned to my daughter. "And you, princess? You eat a lot, huh?"

"Food..." Júlia pointed to her plate, her eyebrows raised in surprise, as she didn’t recognize Luana.

"She’s already talking, oh my God!" Luana exclaimed, sitting down on the other side of the table. "These little monsters grow up so fast..."

"They sure do," I agreed. "Júlia is already babbling quite a few words."

And then I had a feeling about what she would say next. Her eyes hinted at it, her posture stiffened, and she swallowed hard, her expression darkening as she stared at me.

"And Josiah?"

"The same..." I avoided the subject. I hated how people always asked me about him, as if we were still something, as if I should actually care about that jerk, paying attention to him just to report back to the family. I loved them, both of them, but I didn’t like being used like that. "And how are you?"

"Oh, I’m okay. But the master’s program has me pulling my hair out. I’m in the final stretch, and when Auntie called, I agreed immediately."

"Ah, she really went all out for dinner."

We ate while listening to Luana’s wild stories and jokes about her various flings. It was a light way to decompress the atmosphere, but even though she was fun and had once been one of my favorite people in the world, seeing her smile reminded me. Her, Marta, my baby: everything... That life was a constant trigger of the things I had lost. Everything life had stolen from me. They were painful reminders that I was alone, that he had left and would never be the love of my life again. That my daughter and I were on our own, and even though Marta was there, not having Júlia’s father around was killing me. I felt weak, powerless, and not even the hours I spent weekly with my therapist could ease the gaping hole in my chest, the relentless gray noise that echoed in my mind. I hated living in the eternal shadow of a perfect past.

"Ana?"

I gave a slight jump in my chair, realizing that Luana and Marta were staring at me intently, and even the baby seemed to be looking at me with her mouth slightly open.

"Yes?"

"Oh, you were just sitting there with a totally lost look, staring at the wall. I thought I needed to snap you out of whatever world you were in," Luana smiled, snapping her fingers to emphasize the word "snap."

"Thanks, I’ve already got my return ticket," I joked.

"So..." Marta cleared her throat. "I invited Luana here today, but it wasn’t just for fun, dear." I stiffened. I didn’t like secrets or surprises; I preferred everything to be transparent. "I thought it would be good for you to get out, to... how do they say these days? 'Enjoy'..."

"Me?" I asked, laughing incredulously.

"Yes," Luana interjected. "Auntie invited me so we could have a girls' night out. Go out, get drunk, like the old times."

"Drink? Are you crazy? Júlia was at daycare all day and..."

"And? You need to live! How long are you going to keep torturing yourself in small doses?"

I glared at Lu’s superior look, her bony, square face scrutinizing me. I was angry that my mother-in-law had scheduled an event without my permission. An event that involved going out at night without my baby. Damn it! I had never left her alone at night, never, since she was born. I knew her grandmother was like a guardian angel to her... I felt a cruel hesitation and was surprised I didn’t immediately reject the idea. There was a tiny flame, almost extinguished, that reminded me of the nights out, how happy I felt behind a bar, drinking spirits or beer, talking loudly, living...

"I’m not that person anymore, Luana," I said, starting to get up and clear the table. "That person who goes to bars, who has girls’ nights out."

I headed to the kitchen, pushing open the white wooden door with my hip.

I heard footsteps on the tile floor.

"Not that person with life?" Marta asked calmly. "You’re not dead, Ana. And I won’t let you act like you are. We’re all moving on, even Josiah... You should too."

The mention of Josiah made my mind drift back to the party he threw at his house, the studio full of women, the place so packed that people spilled out onto the street, drinking and throwing cigarette butts everywhere. They had that damn loud music, which shook the walls and made Júlia cry because she couldn’t sleep. He was truly living, blaming me for everything, but never stopped living.

I had stopped, and it wasn’t fair.

"You’re right!" I relented. "Let’s have the girls’ night out."

Lu, who had appeared by my side with some dishes, smiled and hugged me around the shoulders.

"And maybe a little kissing too? Ana’s been a virgin again..." Marta teased, making us burst into laughter.

"I don’t think I’m ready for kissing yet..." I whispered. "But you’re right. I think I need to unwind."

"That’s the spirit, girl. Tonight’s the night you finally wear that crop top."