Chapter 7
Beau
I’d taken up the fighting the day she sent us away. I was angry and stupid, and I was still being stupid months later. Wyatt was right I’d let myself be delusional to think in the end she’d choose us. I hadn’t realized how strong that hope was until she barred us from ever seeking her out. I couldn’t stand being home, surrounded by everything that reminded me of her, so I stayed out late whenever Wyatt was home and when he wasn’t I was an ornery cuss of a person to be around. The boys started avoiding me and I didn’t blame them. Bri was the only one who saw into me, past the cocky beta shit I portrayed to everyone else. She never fell for it and I suppose that's what made me open my heart to her. She genuinely loved me as I did her and since saying goodbye I still felt tied to her, eternally linked and I didn’t know why. I should be a pro at severing ties at this point.
Boo leaped up on the bed and laid her head on my chest I stroked the dog and she licked my face as the waxing moon lit up the room from the open window. I saw Naudia’s picture staring back at me and I faced it down. She’d be disappointed in me too. I sighed heavily cuddling the dog to me who whined and lapped at my chin.
“What do you think she's doing right now?” she flattened her head on my chest sad peculiar eyes staring back at me. She whined again.
“I miss her too Boo,” when sleep would finally find me I’d dream of starlight and moonlight and waking to her face above me a halo of sunlight around her as she stared adoringly back at me. The feel of her fingertips brushing my hair off my forehead as she smiled that smile that always caught me in my chest and I’d kissed her deeply when she laughed at my expression. By day I tried to run away from the pain by finding physical pain to replace it, but by night she was always there welcoming me with open arms. As perfect as the day she accepted our love, perfect as the day she left us for our own good.
That is what irked me about the whole thing. Every fiber of my being wanted to take off to New Orleans and confront her. Yet she had done what she did to protect us. I couldn’t let that sacrifice harm us all by going against her wishes. Why she did it made sense to her but it didn’t make me any less angry or bitter. If she walked through those doors though I’d never let her go again. I didn’t know exactly what I had before but now living without her I didn’t care I’d make her mine and Wyatt could join us or not, he had his own hang-ups to deal with over that.
For now, though I was just a body in motion doing enough to stay alive, succeeding at the bare minimum of life once more. If she didn’t care neither did I. Wyatt may have something to say about it, but I didn’t give a damn what he thought I was just as mad at him as I was at her. He let her go. Of any of us, he could have persuaded her to stay, to return, to reconsider her exile of us from her dominion.
He’d done nothing, and every time I looked at my brother all I could see was red. He was right this wasn’t what she wanted. She tiptoed around us for months trying to stay at arm's length to avoid coming between us. Go figure it was her absence that did the trick. I couldn’t put my finger on my rage, deep down I knew it didn’t fully rest on Wyatt. Somehow I blamed myself for everything. What would have happened if I had just taken her to the bus stop and ended it all before it began like she had begged me to?
So I lay there with the dog, the only comfort I allowed myself until the dreams came to cradle me in her memory. They took me into boundless fantasies of what-ifs and possibilities I could have only dreamed of. Us all together, blissfully happy. They had become so vivid I could scent her, feel her, taste the sweetness of her and she was as magnificent as she had been every day I knew her. Smart, funny, and sassy to the core. My woman only lived in my dreams now. My only solace in the miserable existence I kept up.
“Nice shiner,” Bastian commented the next morning.
“Mind your business,” was all I commented as I shipped them off to school. He shook his head and sighed biting his lip as he held his tongue. Lou and Claude shared glances I didn’t bother to take note of. The moon would be full tonight.
I later found myself in the library and asked the librarian for the book in question. It was a stupid thing I supposed but I was curious, and I imagined it may just feel good to read it cuz it would remind me of her. Maybe I was a lost cause I guessed as I looked down at the worn copy of “Watership Down” in my hands.