Chapter 5

Nicol

I was crying the whole way to my apartment if it wasn’t so cold I would have walked but I just couldn’t take the cold as well not while I’m cold on the inside as well. The look Nicolas gave me during the night was of pure hatred. I knew when he asked me on the dance floor why I left him I might give in and tell him and I can’t do that if and that is a big if I tell him about Nikki, it will definitely be in private not between a lot of people because I had no idea what his reaction was going to be. Nikki was asking a lot of questions about her father these days. I lied to her and told him he died when she was just a baby. I didn’t know what to say ‘I ran from him because I was protecting him and took your father away from you.’ I don’t think that will go off smoothly she might never forgive me I mean she is 11 and like she likes to remind you almost 12 and she is getting at this stage where there are father daughter dances at school and she always have to sit it out. One of the gay nurses that worked with me offered to go with her but she told him everyone will know his not her father. He took it like a champ and didn’t blame her at all. But now she starting to ask ‘how her father was when he was alive? What did he do? And so on and so on’ When I got to the apartment, I paid the cab driver and walked up to my apartment. Alley Nikki’s nanny was still watching TV. “Nicol you back early.” “I am you can go home I know you like the weekends when you don’t have to look after our little monster.” I told Alley. We had a joke between the two of us because Nicol can get a lot like her father when she’s in a bad mood then we call her the little monster. Alley is my lifesaver; I walked most days overtime to be able to effort Nikki’s ballet classes so she is the one that takes Alley to school and brings her home and do home work with her. I’m on weekend duty. I made a deal with the management of the hospital that I can work as much overtime during the week but I can’t work weekends I needed to be at home on weekends to take Nikki to ballet and help her with projects for school and just have mother daughter time because during the week we don’t get that time. “Thank you, Nicol I’ll see on Monday morning.” “See you Monday.”

When Alley was gone, I went to check in on Nikki she was sleeping like a baby. I walked closer to her and took the hair away from her face, she looked so much like Nicolas I realized that yet again tonight with her curly blond hair and blue eyes she even has the same skin color as him, they look naturally tanned I on the other hand is as white as a sheet. The curse of being a red head. Nikki stirred and open her eyes. “Mommy” “I’m right here angel, sleep.” “Okay mommy.” I tugged her in and she went to sleep immediately.

I went to my room and got undress, took of my make up and got in my PJ’s then I went to the fridge and got some chocolate Ben and Jerry the only thing that will help now even if it is snowing outside. I sat on the coach thinking of tonight and how much Nicolas has changed not physically but emotionally his eyes was hard no matter who he looked at there was no shinning eyes anymore. He was still fit and beautiful but this Nicolas looks like he knew it and used it. I know I have to tell him sooner or later about Nikki because let’s face it one of them will find out eventually but does it have to be now? That was the question that was going through my mind over and over. I knew I was keeping a father away from Nikki and a father away from his daughter but would he even want her I mean with his life style will he even want a child messing that up. I know I was making excuses and I should stop and put my big girl panties on and just tell him and then decide how to tell Nikki but I think I’ll wait a little longer. I went to bed still with the same thoughts in my head should I or shouldn’t I. That is how I fell asleep.

That night I dreamed about the first night Nicolas and I had sex, the night he took my virginity. We talked about it countless times and Nicolas wanted to make sure I was 100% sure I wanted to give him the honor of being my first and I was, I so was. I came back from class and went straight to his place, his place was obviously bigger than mine, when he opened the door for me and I walked in the whole room had candles in every nook and corner and there was rose pedals all over his bed, he took off his duvet it was only a sheet that was lying on the bed and he made sure it was a darker color because he warned me I might bleed, I told him I didn’t want to see it because it will make me embarrassed. He did everything right. He set the mood with the music, champagne and strawberries. My first words were “Wow Nicolas all this just for me?” “Yes, angel this is just for you.” Then he started to kiss me. I always knew I wanted him to be my first because when he kissed me my pussy felt weird, I told him once and he said it’s because I was getting turned on, he asked me if he could put his finger inside my pussy to feel. I told him he could. I pushed his finger into my pussy and something happened I don’t know what but it was nice. He pulled his finger out and showed me the moisture on his finger. ‘You see this angel?’ ‘Yes’ ‘This means you are horny.’ That is how I knew he will be my first.