Chapter 2: I Walk Alone

“The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it's not.” -Osho.

Alexis

To love and be loved is the ultimate expression of our being. Yet, it still eludes me. I have learned that I really should avoid social media because everywhere I click, I see former classmates, coworkers, friends, and family members, all with the loves of their lives gushing about how insanely in love they are. If their public displays of affection didn't make me so sad, I would probably puke. I guess that old saying is true: envy looks good on no one. But, is wanting to feel enough and valued by a man so bad? How can wanting to be adored be so wrong?

There has to be a solution to my loneliness. I would love to find my soulmate, but I know how improbable that is. I could always find a hookup, but that would only be temporary, and leave me feeling just as hollow and empty as I do now. No, I need a more permanent solution to my perpetual solitude. Rather than brooding in my quaint little apartment, I opted to go for a walk. Thinking that the cool air would do me some good; however, I was soon proved wrong.

Everywhere I turned were couples walking their dogs. Many walked hand in hand, and when the dog would stop, they would kiss. Dammit! I want that. Why can't I have that? What is wrong with me that no man truly wants me? I decided to venture downtown for a coffee at my favorite cafe. That, too, proved to be a bad idea, because the place had fresh flowers and vanilla-scented candles everywhere. They were taking reservations for couples for Valentine's Day, too. I got my coffee and raspberry tart to go because I grew even more depressed in what was once one of my happy places. I even placed a call to one of my single friends to see if she wanted to join me and eat snacks, but as my horrible luck would have it, she now has a boyfriend and wants to spend it with him. She even invited me to go out with her and her boyfriend. I won't ever be someone’s third-wheel even if I am immensely lonely. I don't think that I could ever share and I don't want others to pity me and compromise either.

I debated on if I should call Kim and Cami, but I bet that they have plans. I went on and on to them about my plans this year too. I feel like a failure and a fool. I walked several blocks before I started to make my way back home. I passed couples pushing strollers, which served as yet another reminder of the life that I might never have. Despite taking care of myself, I am not getting any younger. When I looked away from a handsome man around my age, kissing and rubbing his pregnant wife’s stomach, a billboard caught my eye. Could that be the solution to my loneliness and fulfill my Valentine's Day dreams?