Chapter 3 My Baby

My satisfaction was short-lived, though, as cramps filled my abdomen. I pulled over to the side of the road as blood started trickling down my legs. I knew exactly what was happening, and it was killing me. I didn’t want this to happen!

NO! Not my baby!

I cried in my car as the spasms shook my body.

I don’t know how long I was there before a cop pulled over and asked if I needed help. It took him no time at all to notice the blood and my face, and my hands protectively placed on my belly. Pity and worry filled his face as he looked at me. Moments later, he called for an ambulance.

A half hour later, a doctor told me I had lost my baby. The words replayed in my head like a broken record. I didn’t know words could hurt so much. And that’s saying a lot. I could live with my parent’s loathing and my ex’s belittling, but the doctor’s sad face and professional voice, “I’m sorry, but you lost the baby.” I didn’t even need him to tell me, I knew deep inside that I’d lost my baby the moment the cramps started. The pain was like the worst period in the history of periods.

The cop stayed with me the whole time, and after we left the hospital, he asked me what had happened. It was going to be my official statement. I didn’t spare Chris just because I thought I loved him at some point. No, he deserved to be punished for what he did to me…. To my baby! I told him everything, and I told him I was planning on getting a divorce as soon as possible.

John, the cop, was more than happy to supply me with the information I needed and even asked if I wanted him to accompany me to the courthouse. That was probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I was scared to go to the courthouse by myself.

He spent the whole afternoon with me helping me fill out the paperwork before we presented it to the judge. He just looked over all the paperwork and told me to come back in one week, and he would sign the papers. It was easier than I expected, but it was still stressful.

Then he went with me to the bank and helped me explain to the bank I was getting a divorce and needed my money transferred to a separate account. I was relieved. At least I’d have enough money to get by for a little while. At some point, I would need a job… But not in this town! I refused to stay here longer than necessary.

Then, John brought me back to the station to pick up my car and asked if I had a place to stay. I didn’t, but I was going to get a motel room for the week until the divorce was finalized. I could hide away for a little while. I didn’t want to see anyone anyway. I had no friends or family, so I would just keep to myself.

He handed me his business card and told me if I needed anything or if Chris was there to give him a call. I thanked him for his help. I don’t think I could’ve made it without his help. I’d probably still be curled up on the side of the road, crying my eyes out.

I made it to an old motel. Modest would be an overstatement. It had a small bed with a rickety table and chair and a bathroom. But at least it was clean, and I wasn’t sleeping in some gutter.

Chris had been trying to call me for hours. Just for fun, I listened to one of his rants on my messages telling me he was sorry and to come home and he would take care of me and the baby… He said Michelle was just a one time thing and she meant nothing to him.

For some reason, I could hear the lie on his lips. I knew that the distance between us for the past week or so wasn’t just me. It was because he was getting closer to Michelle. Would he have still slept with her if he had known about the baby, or would he not even care? He could’ve been sleeping with her longer than I realized… I guess I wasn’t good enough for him, and he needed… What? What did he need that I didn’t give him? Doesn’t matter. Even if I was stupid enough to go back to him, I’d lost the baby already. It wouldn’t change anything. He’d just hit me for losing his baby anyway.

Michelle sent me a text saying she was sorry. I almost laughed! Was she sorry for sleeping with my husband or that she got caught? Was she sorry she ruined a life-long friendship because she was lusting after a man who was already married? What was the point of her sending the text? Did she think I could forgive her? I know God tells us to forgive others their trespasses, but I just can’t. He would understand, wouldn’t He?

Well, none of it mattered anymore. Not my best friend, who I thought would always have my back. Not my lying, cheating ex-husband who treated me like a piece of trash. Not my non-existent parents*. And not my baby…*

Tears leak down my eyes, causing the gray wall to blur. My baby… I’d been six weeks pregnant! And I lost it because I couldn’t keep my emotions in check. I just had to stand up to that beast of a man because my pride wouldn’t have it any other way… It’s my fault I lost my baby!

The only one who would’ve loved me unconditionally… The one who needed me the most! I let my baby die because I wasn’t a good mother!

What kind of woman am I that can’t protect my own child?!

I sob as I look down at the papers crumpled in my hands. The papers that say I have legally dissolved my marriage. Ivy Jones is now officially Ivy Loveless… (Oh, the irony of my last name. It’s like it was picked just for me. I’ve been loveless since my sister died, and it just kept getting worse since then.)

This should make me happy, but all it does is make me feel more like a failure. I couldn’t get him to love me so he went after my best friend.

What does that make me?