19. Love

Raelyn’s pov

Not seeing Torin for a day was enough to make me realize soon all of it would be over.

All the sneaking around, all the times I had to find a spot where Dylan wouldn’t see me so I could text back. The calls on the balcony or outside…

It was nerve-wracking to keep seeing Torin. Not to mention the guilt I felt towards Dylan.

I don’t know if it was guilt that stopped me from taking things even further or fear. It didn’t really matter either way. I had said my vows, and I meant them. I will not break them. I can't do anything about my feelings until I leave Dylan.

And besides, even if Torin likes me now, I doubt he'll like me after he finds out the truth. When he learns I'm broke, broken, and a mess, he won't want me anymore.

Yet the guilt, the anxiety, and everything else did not stop me from continuing to seek Torin out.

I thought I’d feel relief realizing in time it would end, that I'd be free of the guilt and the fear, but instead I felt such sadness.

Once Dylan came back, there was no way I would be able to keep my friendship with Torin. The thought of it made my heart break.

It might sound dramatic, but when Torin canceled, and I didn’t hear anything from him, I truly feared for his life. It felt like I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t think clearly until I could see his face and see he was okay.

Torin was not okay, though, despite his reassurance he’d heal. He was covered in blood, wounds, bandages, and tattoos.

Each day we ran, I noticed more tattoos on his legs and arms, but I did not expect that many tattoos on his torso and back.

I could barely see them, though. There were cuts everywhere, as if they had used knives.

There was more to the story, that was sure, but at this point I was just happy to speak to him.

Torin and I said our goodbyes, and I hung up, heading back inside.

The balcony had become a safe zone for me. I hardly used it before, but now it felt like a sanctuary from Dylan. He couldn’t hear or see me here.

He hadn’t even noticed the wifi had been turned off. I had texted him asking for help to fix it, knowing perfectly well how to turn it back on. Dylan had told me how stupid I was and that I should just turn it on and off.

I pretended that did the trick.

Before Dylan returned in a month, I would delete everything on my phone. Torin’s number, our texts, and my call log—all of it would be gone.

I just prayed it would be enough. Because Dylan might kill me if he found out how badly I had been lying.

He hadn’t called me once. Or texted me after that text, berating me for asking for help.

The contrast between what I felt when I didn’t hear anything from Torin and when Dylan doesn’t text is crazy.

I already wanted to leave because of Dylan’s behavior, but the more I spent with Torin, the more I realized I am truly not in love with Dylan anymore.

There are things I’m starting to feel for Torin that I have never felt for Dylan.

Was it ever love?

Or was it just that I needed someone because at the time nobody else was taking care of me? Over time I grew even more dependent on Dylan by marrying him and quitting my job until I couldn’t imagine life without him.

But is that love?

I tried to keep my mind off everything while I ate dinner and watched some TV. When I felt my phone buzz, I walked to the toilet to read the text and answer it, suspecting it to be Torin.

But it was Dylan.

The anxiety I felt when I couldn’t speak to Torin felt nothing like this. I had feared for his life, but now I was fearing for mine.

“Hey Lyn, do you need anything? You must be running out of groceries soon. Love you.”

It was a nice text, but it didn’t make me feel happy at all.

I walked out, pretending to read it then and smiling as I wrote back, “Dylan, I’ve missed you. Yes, I’m running a bit low. I do need to go shopping soon.”

When Dylan bought groceries for me online, he had only bought the things he enjoyed eating, not the things I regularly eat. Besides, I missed going to the store.

Most people only go once a week, but I went almost daily to the local store down the street. It wasn’t that big of a store, but it was within walking distance, and it was a nice break from being home all day. Occasionally I’d only buy one or two products, but I’d just be happy to be out of the house.

But Dylan took that from me.

I knew once he returned he’d find a reason why I shouldn’t go running anymore either.

He ruins everything that brings me any bit of joy.

“Send me a list, and I’ll get it.”

I really wanted to buy my own stuff. “I won’t steal your money. What if I text you the receipts?” I tried.

“You’re so ungrateful. You only want me for my money,” his reply came. There were dots appearing on the screen letting me know he had more to say.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” I tried to write back.

“I was trying to do a nice thing, but here you go and ruin it. And to think I was feeling bad for not texting you enough. You’re probably glad I’m gone, aren’t you? You don’t text, call, or anything. I see you acting all happy, just chilling all fucking day long.

Going jogging every damn day!  You’re living your best life. All you need from me is my goddamn money!”

“No! I do miss you. Can you call me? I can explain.” I tried. He had asked me not to call or text. Or did I remember that wrong?

“No, bitch. I’m done being your ATM. You wanted to lose weight, right? Well, here is your chance. Starve for all I care."

I tried texting back, but the messages didn’t seem to go through. He must have blocked me. He's done this before.

I walked to the kitchen, trying to keep myself from crying. He’d probably love it if I started to cry right now. I could stop the tears from flowing, but I couldn't stop my hands from shaking as I opened the fridge and the cabinets looking for what food was left.

There was enough for a few days, but after that I’d have nothing.

I need to make a plan so I can use this food for as long as possible.