21. Hangry

Raelyn’s pov

I didn’t think being hungry would have this effect on me.

I don’t think Dylan did either.

He probably assumed I’d grovel and beg for food. That it would make me humble. That it would keep me down.

And it did.

The first few days at least. I tried eating as little as possible to make the food last. But eventually there was hardly anything left.

Even as a kid, my grandma said I would get hangry when I was hungry. It means hungry and angry, but you probably know this.

But I grew to keep that anger in, knowing it would get me in trouble with Dylan. Any emotion I tried to keep to myself.

If I were too happy, Dylan would find a way to ruin it. If I was sad, Dylan would find a way to make me even sadder. And if I was angry, well, I had to be very careful, because Dylan was far better at being angry. Much better…

It had taught me to be numb. I learned to control my emotions. It started with not showing any big emotions around Dylan, but it ended with me keeping them in control all the time.

But Dylan isn't here, and I'm alone at home except when I'm with Torin.

And Torin… Torin makes me feel big emotions. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He… He is perfect. Everything Dylan is not, and maybe letting myself feel emotions such as happiness has opened the door to let the negative ones in as well.

Because I am angry.

Not just angry… I am furious!

Dylan is literally starving me. Ignoring my pleas for food. He is keeping me prisoner in my own home most of the time. Watching me.

He is mean and cruel.

And I know that he’s dangerous, and I know that when he comes back I’ll pay for everything I’ve done wrong in his eyes, but I’m so angry.

I grew so angry that I stopped caring.

How can someone claim to love me when he treats me like this?

Especially when I have Torin to compare it to.

Why am I wasting a chance at something real by staying here…?

Yeah, I know why… The reason is fear.

But Dylan is not here.

It’s my chance to get out, and even though he took my money and my ID, maybe there is some way I would be able to get out.

I still have my birth certificate somewhere. Maybe that’s enough to find a job?

I don’t know. But I have to find out.

“Can’t stop thinking about that kiss, love, Torin.” I smiled as I read his text.

If things were different, I wouldn’t be able to stop either. If I wanted to kiss Torin again without all the guilt, I needed to have a plan.

And although I love Torin for offering me to move in, I can’t rely on another man.

It doesn’t matter if that man is special and different than anyone I’ve ever met. Torin may look dangerous, but he has the biggest heart. Torin is so sweet. Unbelievably sweet.

He listens when I talk and actually responds to what I’ve said. He remembers what I said.

It doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is. Dylan has always ignored whatever I told him. I can tell Dylan the same thing four times without him realizing I had mentioned it before.

He’s not interested in what I have to say.

Torin is.

He cares so much that it’s scary.

I can’t lose myself to another person like I did to Dylan. Torin is so good, but I’m worried he’ll consume me. I’d become part of his life, like with Dylan.

I need to have a life of my own first. Someone and something I can fall back on.

Because doing this alone is exhausting and so lonely.

“Me too.” I replied as I walked to the balcony.

I typed into the search bar the most basic question, “how to leave an abusive marriage?”

There were several ways, it seemed. There were shelters and organizations that you could contact for help. But none of them are in the small town I live in.

Besides. I don’t have any proof he’s abusive, besides a few mean texts, and honestly, I don’t know if I’m ready to admit to everyone that I’m stuck in such a marriage.

What will people think of me?

Will they believe me?

Will it even help? It’s not like I can get a restraining order; I need proof for that too.

Will Torin even want me if I do this? I don’t want him to see me as a victim. As someone fragile and broken who can’t do anything.

Which I am… But I’m trying so hard not to be.

I sighed as I wrote down several versions of a plan.

But it was Torin who actually helped. Of course it’s Torin.

He's like a knight in shining armor. Just like with the food today. I don't even know how he knew I needed it, but God, I almost cried when I took that first bite.

I suddenly got another text. I would freak out every time my phone buzzed. I couldn't give Torin his ringtone because Dylan might notice if he watches me.

I'm not sure if he's still watching me, though; I haven't heard anything in days.

“Dimples, I thought about what you said. And this is not just because I want to kiss you again so badly. I know an old lady who is looking for a live-in maid. She’s a friend of the family. Do you want me to set up a meeting with her?”

I know I said I wanted to do this myself, but it’s still me doing the work, and I’d have a place to live.

Maybe I can just do it until I can find something else.

“Yes, thank you.”

“Anything for you, Rae.”

I walked inside as the realization hit me. I started to laugh. I could actually leave!

My laugh was loud; the silent apartment suddenly filled with the noise. I could leave.

I could leave…

My laughter turned slowly into a cry.

And soon I was crying as loudly as I had been laughing. I was sobbing as I sat down, hyperventilating from the realization.

I could be free.

I held onto my knees as I let all the sorrow that I kept inside out. Every bad thing about Dylan that I would ignore. Every time he hurt me, I blamed myself.

This could all be over soon.

I wouldn’t have to be scared anymore.

I wiped the tears from my face using my sleeve and took a few deep breaths. Every voice inside me told me I couldn’t do this, Dylan’s voice being the loudest. He had become my internal voice, telling me everything that was wrong about me even when he wasn’t there in person.

But I ignored everything his voice told me and focused only on the sound of Torin’s.

Torin believes in me, so maybe I could too.