Six

I'm looking everywhere for my damn vicodin. I'm hoping i didn't drop them downtown.

Fuck

Could i have left them in her office? That would be very bad.

I don't have her cellphone number and even if I did what the fuck am I supposed to say? Hey did I drop my stash in your office?

I rake my hands through my hair in frustration and call my dealer. He can meet me here in 15 minutes... but that doesn't solve the problem of the missing pills.

My phone beeps letting me know that he is on his way up. I invite him in and we shoot the shit for a little while before he has to go on his way.

My therapist thinks it's best that I keep a journal. I'm having a hard time adjusting to Manhattan. I guess you could say that I am lonely. I hate writing so I decided to go old school and use a tape recorder. 20 minutes of bearing my soul and i realize that all i have done was talk about her. What is it about Alicia that has me feeling out of sorts? I can tell she doesnt care for me. Ive tried to make her laugh, ive tried polite conversation, i invited her for coffee, pizza... shes turned me down flat every single time. More like shot me down. Its just a crush anyways. Someone like her would never think about a guy like me. She sout of my league. I decided to grab my keys and my jacket and go out for some fresh air. Shes too high up on the social circuit for someone like me...

Driving does nothing to clear my head... i shouldn't even be driving at all. Realizing this, I park the car and start walking thru the busy streets. Normally i head to my house on long island during the weekends... but I'm thinking I should stay my ass at home in bed.

I enter the park and notice the many couples who are out enjoying their evening—strolling along, holding hands. It must be nice.

I somehow end up at Central Park and probably should head back. I hadnt intended to go this far anyways, but my heart jolts as I see her on a bench holding a cup of coffee and staring at the sky.

Do i approach her? She seems pretty lost in thought.

“Alicia?”

She looks pretty with her hair falling around her shoulders and wearing an oversized black sweat shirt with the rolling stones open mouth symbol. She's wearing a pair of black leggings and running shoes.... and she looks different. More carefree.

Fuck

She fixes her brown eyes on me and offers up a small smile.

“Out of all the people in Manhattan... i would run into you here."

I laugh. "Is that good or bad?"

She questions. "Well... it all depends..."

"On?"

"If you're gonna be pissed off at me or not? I seem to do that a lot."

I muse and realize that she says, "No."

"What I meant to say was, I'm just now realizing that I've been kind of mean to you."

I laugh and place my hand on my chest. "You wh--?"

She says, " I apologize, with sincerity. I'm under a lot of pressure and have several things hitting me at once. It's no excuse to be curt or aloof with you, and I apologize."

I sit on the park bench with her and she lets out a deep cough that leaves her pretty winded.

"I think you should get that checked out. Sounds pretty bad."

"Just a cold," she says.

"It isn't just a cold. You were coughing earlier this evening too. But now you sound worse."

"I just need rest that's all. Which i plan to catch up on this weekend. And I've already been to the doctors. Bronchitis." she sighs.

"When was the last time you had any food?"

"Yesterday during the meeting." she sighs. "I just have a lot going on. I'm drinking coffee now. See." She holds the empty cup up and I snatch it and throw it in the trash.

"Come on lets go." I'm hoping she won't laugh in my face and turn me down... I'm surprised she's humored me for this long

"Lets go?"

"Grab a bite to eat."

"I'm not hungry..."

"Ok Alicia... have a great weekend." I get up and walk away.

"Really? You're mad at me because I'm not hungry?"

"No... see you on Monday Ms. Johnson. I'm not mad."

She stands up from the bench and grabs my shoulder.

"You're not mad? Then what the fuck is with the attitude?" she snaps.

"I'm not gonna do this anymore."

"Do what?"

"You have no clue do you?"

"No.... i really don't."

"I am tired of extending myself to you and you're always brushing me off."

"I've apologized to you!"

"Yes. Thank you. But then a minute later you dismiss me again."

She bites her bottom lip and she's staring at me with a questioning look in her eyes. She's looking kinda dumbfounded and a bit annoyed... and a bit... sad.... "fuck! That wasn't my intention," but fuck this. I am tired of her acting like a snob towards me. And... she hurt my feelings.

"I am sorry," she whispers. "I didn't realize i was hurting your feelings." She takes a seat on the bench and stares at her hands in her lap.

She has me amped up. If I weren't full of burbon and vicodin i would choose to be more delicate... but I'm enraged and someone needs to tell her about herself.

"You really don't understand at all I say. You walk around like you're an entitled brat. I am so sick and tired of you acting like I am an inconvience. Like I am beneath you."

"You're wrong," she snaps. "I don't feel that way at all."

"I am a real person with real feelings," I shout.

Why am I taking everything out on her?

"Jonathan..."

"You know what? Save it!" I storm off, leaving her standing in the park with her face in a mask of confusion.

I don't need any of this. I really don't. I wish... i don't know what I wish... why the fuck does it matter what she thinks about me?

Why can't I just let this go?

Because my dumb ass has caught feelings for her.